


Runaway Train

by gloatingraccoon



Series: Paid In Full [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Character Development, Dream Bubbles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Illustrated, Introspection, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Past Character Death, Polyamory, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Reconciliation, Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-17
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2017-12-12 04:15:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 42,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/807117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gloatingraccoon/pseuds/gloatingraccoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That’s it. You did it. You joined forces, humans and trolls, dead and surviving players, and you defeated Lord English. The Game is finally over, both for Earth and Alternia, and you can claim your prize: journey to the core of Skaia, go through the endgame door and build a new life on a new planet, helped by the consorts.</p><p>But you also have to live with the consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. > Enter name.

**Author's Note:**

> The actual beginning of the Paid In Full AU. Listening to "Paid In Full" by Sonata Arctica and "Runaway Train" by Avantasia is highly recommended, especially for Eridan's chapters.
> 
> Gorgeous illustrations by [dnitegirl](http://archiveofourown.org/users/dnitegirl/pseuds/dnitegirl)!

That’s it. You did it. You joined forces, humans and trolls, dead and surviving players, and you defeated Lord English. Now the Game is finally over, both for Earth and Alternia, and you can claim your prize: journey to the core of Skaia, go through the endgame door and build a new life on a new planet, helped by the consorts.

Well. More or less. That's the general idea at least. Yours is a big group, between the whole hemospectrum of trolls and two generations of humans, and it's a group of experienced players at that. Your group has leaders and questioners, thinkers and troublemakers, and once all the screaming and bickering had died down, a single moment of lucid, productive thought was left to agree that yes, this could be done. Hence the reason why you're all on a meteor again and traveling from who knows how long -assuming time is even a thing anymore around here- towards the core of Skaia. But the thing is, what you will actually end up doing -not as a generic, collective you but as an individual who could hypothetically become the point of view in some horribly self-indulgent narrative- still remains to be seen, because we don't even know who you are yet. So let's settle this down in a quick and painless way, shall we? 

Somewhere on a meteor, traveling towards the core of Skaia with a group of fellow SBURB and SGRUB players, there is a young troll man. Presumably a troll with a lot of time on his hands or we'd have already started seeing some cool stuff instead of just mucking about with background info, let's face it. This troll already has a name, since his wriggling day was over 8 Alternian solar sweeps ago, so you're officially out of excuses for stalling, really. 

What could the name of this young troll be?


	2. > Eridan: Sweeps in the past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _How can you justify the way_  
>  _When you wake up screaming_  
>  _Would you pretend that you were blind_  
>  _When you were really seeing?_  
>  \- ["Runaway Train", Avantasia](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBQf1sLwrrE)

**> Enter name.**

Your name is Eridan Ampora and you are dead.

**> Sweeps in the past (but not many)...**

It took you a while to figure out. Pain was everything you could feel at first, a searing, mindnumbing pain that burned through all other senses. You thought you were screaming, or crying, or throwing up, but you couldn't hear your own voice, you couldn't breathe, you couldn't open your eyes. You couldn't feel your legs. After a while you woke up in your recuperacoon, in your hive, sick and shaking with fever, the pain reduced to a numb pulse in your abdomen. Your neck and side gills were swollen and itchy and it reminded you of when you got gill pox at 5 sweeps, which was really weird because you can't get gill pox twice. You got out of the recuperacoon on shaking legs, threw on your dressing gown and went to look for your custodian, but couldn't find him anywhere. He was probably out, taking care of the hunting you couldn't do today, which worried you. As usual, a storm raged outside your hive, and in a flash of lightning you clearly saw Feferi out on the cliff, and it reminded you of the time she spent a few days at your hive when you got gill pox to put you back into shape, but in a moment she was gone. You were almost thinking you had imagined it, but then you saw her again, in that same spot, and again she disappeared. And again. And again.

Suddenly you felt angry. Angry as you had never been before, angry at everything, angry at your custodian for not being there and making you worry, angry at Vriska for ignoring you lately, angry at Karkat because you were pale as milk for him and not for Feferi and you couldn't tell either of them, and angry at Feferi most of all for not being there for you right when you needed her the most. You turned on your husktop because you needed someone to shout at, anybody, really, but there was no one on your contact list for some reason. You tried adding their handles manually, but it wouldn't work. Great, some technical problem or some shit, just what you needed. With a twitch in your gut, pain started to worsen, and a sudden scraping on your door got your hopes up for a moment, but when you reached the window on shaking legs and peeked out, nobody was there. It must have been an animal or a dead tree branch or some other debris blown by the storm.

Or was it Feferi?

Once more you saw her, once more out there on the cliff, once more too far away to see you or hear you or care about you. She turned back and dove down from the cliff, and in that moment you knew she wanted to run away from you, you were completely, paradoxically sure of it like a clear, shrill certainty ringing in your instinct, but you couldn't figure out why, you couldn't remember what was the problem. Anger blazed once more in your guts and you clenched your fists, because fighting with her you could handle, but being taunted like that, especially when you were already feeling sick and useless? No, that was way out of the line, who the fuck did she think she was to treat you like that? You could handle being taunted by Vriska, you would've even welcomed it right now, but not by her, not by the person who should've been there by your side like a good moirail, like she had done that time you had gotten gill pox. Your anger only worsened the shivers and the itch in your gills, reminding you once more of that time. She had stayed with you for three days, she had taken care of you, she had slept curled up against your chest in your recuperacoon and she had given you a bath when the itch was at its worst. You thought it was then that you first realized you were flushing red for her, right when she was so pale and caring, and you just felt ungrateful and ashamed. It was one of the most embarrassing things you had ever done together, since you weren't wigglers anymore, but it really made you feel better, and it was nice to be coddled for once. Maybe a hot bath would help this time too.

You went to the ablution block and when you looked in the mirror for the first time, you realized something was amiss. The robe you were wearing looked oddly short on your legs and sleeves, as if it had been made for a kid and not for the young man, tall and broad shouldered, who currently wore it. Which made no sense. Why hadn't you noticed you had put on one of your old things? When had you grown that tall, for that matter? When had you last looked into a mirror? Why were you bleeding?

You were bleeding. Suddenly purple blood was dripping through the clothing, and as you shook off the robe with a gasp, you finally saw it. On your body and in the mirror.

You were cut in half. You could see your intestines. You felt no pain. Your eyes went blank.

You were dead.

You screamed. You screamed, raking your claws down your face, pulling at your hair, curled up in an impossible, nonsensical posture because your body remembered, but it wasn't real and refused to come to terms with being cut in two. The mirror shattered, the world around you crumbled down and you were on that blasted meteor again, boiling with the wrath and the madness of a million slaughtered hopes and fears, a wand in your hand. Sollux dropping down the wall like a broken doll, Feferi turning to you, trident in hand, ready to fight you. You raised your wand again.

You killed her.

You screwed your eyes shut, not wanting to see anymore, but you saw anyway. The gaping hole in her chest, Sollux's burnt out eyes, Kanaya bolting towards you and then crumbling down with just a flick of your wrist. You kept seeing their lifeless faces, you kept seeing their blood, trickling, flowing, glistening. Gold, fuchsia, jade. Sollux, Feferi, Kanaya. You shook and shouted to stop, stop, enough with that, you didn't want to see this, you didn't want to remember, maybe this was why your head was still trapped in your hive, you didn't want to go back on that meteor, not now, not ever, best to be stranded alone in a world full of hopes and anger, alone like you were all along, alone like they left you because no, it wasn't your fault, you didn't mean to do it, it all happened so fast, you were scared, you just wanted to survive, you didn't know what you were doing.

Anger flared in your blood, replacing fear once again and you whispered that no, of course you knew, you knew all along what you were doing, you killed in cold blood like you had done all your life, but it was their fault, they had brought it on themselves by taunting you, by standing in your way, by not listening to you, you had to do it, you had to because the moment Feferi turned to you trident in hand it was kill or be killed, no way to turn back and you just had to save yourself, you had given her a chance to save herself in turn and she had thrown it away.

You saw them again, you saw them in the way they looked at you, Sollux's determined hostility as he took off his glasses, Feferi's fear and anger as she turned to face you, Kanaya's betrayed shock as the matriorb exploded, and her fury as she returned to bring your demise, her skin sparkling like pearls, and again you said no, you didn't want to see this, but you saw anyway and this time you saw yourself exactly as they saw you. You saw a young troll that had finally given into the destruction that had been pulsing in his blood from the moment he was hatched and could not go back anymore, a young troll so terrified and lonely and desperate to survive that he was willing to destroy the last pieces of his life that mattered just to follow the only hope he had left, no matter how delirious.

You didn't have to do it. You had chosen to do it, you had brought it on yourself by not listening to them, by siding with your enemy, a plan just as foolish as it was heinous because really, what could you offer that demon so that he would spare your life, what else if not selling out your friends to him - and then likely getting killed all the same? When Sollux went down, Feferi turned to you trident in hand because it was kill or be killed for her too. She was trying to save herself and the others. You had the chance to spare her and surrender right then, and you chose to kill her and run away to join Jack instead. You had decided you didn't need them after all, that since everybody had let you down you were better off alone.

It was your fault.

Anger whithered down to nothing, the memory from the meteor faded away, and you found yourself back in your hive, your own blank eyes staring back at you from the mirror. Tears streamed down your face, but it didn't really feel like you were crying, maybe because now you knew you weren't really breathing, just like you weren't really there, or anywhere else, for that matter, and your mind was still adjusting to a new sense of reality. Too bad, because you would have liked to be really able to cry in that moment. It probably wouldn't have made you feel better anyway, but at least you would've vented some energy in the shaking and sobbing, and you would've felt something different than the crushing, deafening weight of emptiness and silence that filled your entire being. 

Now you were dead, and you were alone for real, alone as you had made yourself, not them, and you wondered how you could ever delude yourself into thinking that this was what you wanted, this was for the better. You needed them, just like you had done all of your life: you needed Feferi to take care of you, you needed Karkat and Kanaya to listen to you, you needed Sollux and Vriska to just shrug you off and taunt you if nothing else was possible. But most of all, you needed them, all of them to know that you were sorry.

And why would anybody want anything to do with you anymore? No wonder your hive was empty, no wonder there was no one on your contact list. No wonder Feferi kept running away from you.

You don't know how long it lasted, how long it was just you and the mirror, only thoughts, nightmares and guilt. But you know that at some point you got up, you opened the door and went out to look for the others. You had no idea where to go, how to find them, and even assuming you did find them in the end, you had no idea what you would do. But at least it gave you something to think of, something to hope for, and even if it was just as foolish and useless as all the other hopes that had betrayed you in the past, it was still better that staying a prisoner in your own hive, and in your own mind.

You wandered out there for nights, or perigees, or sweeps. Time didn't really make any sense. Everything you found was rain, shipwreck rubble, dead lusi and your hive. You kept coming back to your hive.

**> Eridan: ok, that was by no means quick and painless. For the love of fuck cut it short.**

You're utterly shocked at the idea that there are people around so rough and uncouth that they couldn't tell a quality angsty flashback from a pile of hoofbeast shit even if they splashed both feet in it. Really, what paradox space is coming to. You start thinking you should stretch the flashback for a few more pages just to spite that kind of people, because hey, you're dead after all and you're in no hurry. That would show them. But that would only make you live those moments again, wouldn't it? And there's only so much angsty introspection you can take all in one sitting in your current state of mind, let's face it. So yes, you decide to cut it short, but only because you want to, ok? You were almost done anyway. 

You were still wandering somewhere between dream bubbles, when paradox space threw out the rug from under your feet, this time in the form of everybody's least favourite deranged clown who decided, you don't really want to ponder for what obscure reason, to use your dead body to prototype a sprite in the humans' session, together with Sollux of all people.

You don't have very clear memories of that time. You were yourself, and at the same time you were not. It was not pleasant, far from it, but it was something, and most of all it gave you the opportunity to see Feferi again, and stammer together your awkward excuse for an apology. And even knowing this would mean nothing, because no words would ever erase what you had done, and you had never been particularly eloquent in the first place, when eventually the sprite bond was broken and you found yourself again, you knew something had changed. You didn't know what exactly at first, but when Aradia and Vriska hatched their plan against Lord English, you fought on their side without hesitation. Some part of you was surely just looking for an excuse to be obliterated from existance, but on the other hand, a new feeling, a tiny, stupid glimmer of hope that there could still be something to fight for, was blooming into you.

**> Back in the present...**

And now it's all over, and here you are, poised on the edge of a whole new story.

What will you do?


	3. > Eridan: Back in the present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _It's hard for me to love myself right now_  
>  _I've waited, hated, blamed it_  
>  _All on you_  
>  \- ["Paid In Full", Sonata Arctica](www.youtube.com/watch?v=AI0GA7-iQTs)

**> Eridan: do something productive, as in anything that isn't whining or having angsty flashbacks.**

Ok, ok, sheesh! Even you need a break from your own introspection anyway, although you have to admit, it's a real shame because what you are doing right now presents excellent potential for more introspection. 

The thing is, Kanaya and that girl Jade are overseeing the birth of the new universe and the planet you plan on landing on, and you overheard it's going to be a huge alchemical merging of the planets from the human's session and their abandoned homeworld. You also overheard Aradia and Rose talking about how crossing the door at the core of Skaia effectively means the end of the Game: the dead players will come back to life, and all gamelike equipment, powers and god tiers will be lost. Only your alchimiters will keep working, supposedly as a help in the reconstruction, but only until you run out of grist.

Overheard, because it's not like you talk to them. Not exactly, at least. 

Anyway, since you'll have no way of generating new grist once on the new planet, Kanaya suggested that everybody go through their things for all expendable items, so that you can maximize your grist reserves with the Gristwidget 12000 while it still works. So, given you don't really have much else to do, you're now in your room on the meteor, going through your old stuff and dropping sweeps of memories you don't mind discarding for grist in a chest.

All of your wands are going away, as well as all of your clothes, since they don't really fit you anymore, apart from the ones you are wearing, which you suppose are part of your ghost form and you don't really want to think too much about that.

And yes, apparently you've grown up in the afterlife, which doesn't make much sense, but on the other hand, the fact that you still need to use the gaper and eat now and then doesn't either. When you were reunited with the others, it was weird to notice how everybody had grown up, dead and alive players alike. You remember that girl Aranea talking about it having to do with the blurred boundaries between imagination and sense of reality in the afterlife: if you die as a kid, your ghost form keeps growing up for a while because you expect it to, at least until you get used to it, and you keep eating and using the gaper because you need to set a rhythm, or something to that effect. Boy, did that girl like to talk? You wonder why she and the other dancestors decided to stay in the dream bubbles. You guess their afterlife did not suck globes as much as yours, or they just got used to it, but whatever. You don't really care.

You're still fond of your purple streak, so you don't really want to get rid of your hair dye, but it's well past its expiration date so that goes too, together with your shampoo and gel and cologne and any other potential health hazard (but you write down the code for the dye). Your old maps and extermination plans sound way too terribly idiotic to have around now, as well as your ancestor's journal and ooh boy, your own personal journals, off they go, off they go. You end up keeping Ahab's Crosshairs so at least you have something in your strife specibus, and you don't have to resort to punching things with your rings if you need to, but anything else from the spoils of your past conquests goes away. You keep your history and geography books and your favourite fantasy novels, so at least something of Alternian civilization will be preserved, and also because you still enjoy reading them.

What few good memories you still have, you're going to keep. There's a couple of photos taken with Feferi, and the crumpled wizard hat she made for you back when you were wigglers, back when you actually had fun and played together. There are letters you wrote to her but never gave her, and you don't think you can take rereading them, but you're going to keep them all the same, like a reminder. There's an antique sextant you won to Vriska during one of your expeditions, a pair of gloves Kanaya knitted for you, now too small, and there's also a book Karkat got you as a half-serious gift on your 6th wriggling day, "How not to be a complete fuckup at romance". It's supposed to be a lighthearted advice book for young trolls, and apart from some annoying bouts of imperial propaganda, you remember it was actually funny to read and made some clever points. You also remember quite clearly the, um, rather graphic sections on the physical aspects of romance, and you shouldn't probably think about that now because you're definitely not in the right mood. Karkat had meant to cheer you up and give you something to think about, assuming it was better than one of his lectures, but when the Game entered your lives and your relationships started falling to pieces, you became increasingly annoyed with it. Just another piece of your life gone stupidly wrong.

**> Eridan: what part of no whining or angsty flashbacks evaded your comprehension?**

Oh, come on. You're pretty sure you were actually moving the story forward this time. There you go, you loaded all your crap from your past life in the chest, and left in your room only the things you actually tolerate, as well as your husktop and some basic supplies like towels, paper and pens. Boy does your room seem freakishly empty now.

What will you do?

**> Eridan: captchalogue the chest.**

There, done. You're fucking incredible. Who said this is boring? Certainly not you, because you know your shit, unlike some other people. Now what?

**> Eridan: bring the chest to Kanaya.**

Oh. That. Um. Sure. That was exactly what you were going to do, and exactly why you collected these items in the first place. Easier said than done, but sure, you're going to do this. You're not going to like it, but you're going to do it. Soon enough. Sometime. Maybe later.

The thing is, you've always been a voracious reader, but the main reason why you're reading a lot more lately is that you don't really have anything else to do, and you need to take your mind off the loneliness and boredom. You don't really talk to or interact with the others if you can avoid it, which you're very good at doing. You catch Feferi looking at you now and then, which embarrasses you to no end, because you have a hard time even being in the same room and if you talk to her you trip on your own words. You wish you could talk to her, really talk to her, because you miss her madly and you want to rebuild something together, anything as long as she's back in your life - but you destroyed what you had before, and now where do you even start? You don't even remember how life was before you met her, you're not even sure you had learnt to walk yet. As for Sollux, you find him as irritating as ever and he ignores you as he always did, so you have no problem avoiding him, although you have to admit the few murky memories you were left from your time as a sprite make you sort of curious, but ruminating over possible feelings that might or might not be there is definitely not a good idea in your state of mind. You haven't really addressed what happened with Karkat, but it means a lot to you that he asked you to join on the journey to the new world, so you hope that after having you again on his side on the fight against Lord English he doesn't think you're a complete waste of space anymore. You haven't really talked to Kanaya either, apart from following her instructions in a couple occasions when she needed help with something, and given what you did to her and your entire race in your previous life, well. You're not looking forward to any contact with her is all.

**> Eridan: bring the chest to Kanaya before she comes looking for you.**

Ok, that's a good point. The thought of Kanaya getting fed up with your bullshit and coming to get the chest herself -probably in not the best of moods- eventually convinces you this is a priority. You're not going to like it anyway, but you like that thought even less. So here you go, you exit your room and start walking down the corridor, only to HOLY SHIT almost run into said jadeblood as you turn a corner.

She backs off abruptly, her eyes going wide in surprise, and you can't help but notice the deep jade colour tinting the irises. Kanaya grew into a slender, graceful young woman, only a little shorter than you, when back on the meteor she used to be the taller one. Soon realizing you're not supposed to stare, your eyes dart to a very interesting spot on the wall on her right and you hand her the chest.

"Here, Kan," you mumble, and from her puzzled stare, it looks like it takes her a moment to get what you're doing exactly. Then she clears her throat and takes the chest from your hands, soon captchaloguing it. 

"Oh, you have collected your things, I see," she says, and you nod, still without looking at her directly. 

"Yeah, well, there's all my spoils from my old campaigns, so, um. Should be useful," you say, not really knowing why you're trying to fill the silence. You hope she appreciates what you're doing anyway, but the way she raises a lone, neatly styled eyebrow gives you a pretty clear hint that you're probably just making a fool of yourself. Boy are you awkward. 

"Very well then," she says, and turns around to leave. There is no thank you. There is no goobye, no other sign of greeting, and it hurts so much more than her being openly angry with you. You take a big breath, or at least, you think you do. 

"Kan, I'm sorry." 

If you had a blood pusher, an actual, physical one instead of the imaginary version you're stuck with for the moment, it would be jumping up in your throat right now. You said it. You finally said it. Kanaya freezes, but does not turn back towards you at first. You lick your lips, fidgeting with your hands. 

"Kan, listen, I..."

Kanaya raises her hand to cut you off. 

"I heard you quite clearly, Eridan," she says, and only then she turns to look at you, her eyes narrowing to slits. "Do you have anything else to add?" 

Your jaw drops. There is so much you want to tell her you're not even sure where to begin, but you realize you have to take this chance while she's still willing to give you the time of the day. 

"Well, I... just wanted you to know I'm sorry about all that, really. I screwed up so much, I don't even know what I was doin'. Well, it's not like I didn't know what I was doin' back then, of course I knew it, it's just... gah, I'm not explainin' this well!" You squeeze your eyes shut, pinching at your nose. "What I mean is that I know I'm not better than anybody else, hemospectrum or not, ok? I know I was..." 

The words die in your throat with a frustrated growl. Why are things so clear in your head and so complicated to put into words? You're trying to say that maybe you don't like lowbloods,  maybe you don't share Feferi's utopia - but you care about your friends, and you've seen what the world is like without them. That world pretty much sucks. You're just trying to say that you know you've screwed up big time, and yet it doesn't seem enough.  

"Horrible." 

Kanaya breaks the silence and your train of thought, and your eyes go wide, but you still can't bear to look at her directly. 

"The word you are looking for is 'horrible', Eridan. What you did can only be qualified as such, both for a troll and for someone I used to call a friend. Know that one of my biggest regrets in life is not having understood what was happening to you sooner, so that I could better guard the matriorb." 

You swallow, still refusing to cross her stern glance. You've never heard her voice turn so cold and sharp before, and no matter how much you repeat yourself she's right, it still hurts. It hurts especially because you know, you already know all of this and that was exactly the point you were trying to make. Why does she talk as if you didn't really get the gravity of it all, as if you needed her explanation? Who does she take you for? Maybe just for the horrible person you were that day, that's all. She sighs, crossing her arms in front of her chest. 

"Eridan, I do not wish to be misunderstood," she says, and her voice sweetens a little. More than bitter, now she simply sounds tired. "I know you are sincere, and rest assured you would not be here if we did not deem you trustworthy. But what happened in the Veil is the past, and... I have other things to worry about now than what can't be changed, quite frankly." She shakes her head, rubbing at her brow. "I should be going now." 

You nod, intently looking at the wall. So there, this is how it goes. In movies and novels a honest apology means the hero is forgiven and allowed to start over, to make amends, but nothing is that simple in real life. Or maybe you're just not the hero of this story. 

"Bye, Kan," you say, and it only comes out as a hoarse whisper. She hesitates for a moment. 

"Stay safe, Eridan." 

Kanaya turns and walks away down the corridor, without looking back.  

You groan, dropping your back against the wall as soon as she's out of sight. Damn, you are so stupid. What did you expect to accomplish with that? You needed her to know that you're sorry, and there you go, now she knows. Probably she already knew, given you've been allowed to come along on this journey. It changes nothing -not what happened back then, not your relationship with her- and you already knew it wouldn't. It only helps you feel like slightly less of a complete fuckup, but not really, because you still need to tell her you're sorry, and you don't think the need will go away no matter how many times you repeat it. You accepted Karkat's offer because at least it was something to hope for, a chance to start over with your friends, but you're starting to realize that there's no starting over for you. If you're going to build something new, it's not going to be on a clean slate, but on the ashes of what you've destroyed, and burdened with all the scars you left on yourself and the others. And you know what, it's nothing less than you deserve, really. 

You have a price to pay, and it's only fair you paid in full. 

**> Eridan: oh please no more whining and brooding, it burns. Especially not the kind possibly referencing titles for wish-fulfillment fanfictions and Finnish power metal songs.**

Too late, now you're on a roll and it's not like you have anything better to do at the moment, let's face it. Might as well sulk a little more before heading back to your room and try to distract yourself with reading. Rebuilding a new life is going to be tough, and you doubt anybody would understand. 

Which sounds oddly familiar, now that you think about it. 

**> Eridan: fail to notice your lifelong palecrush approaching.**

"Hey." 

Karkat's voice startles you, and turning to your right you find him leaning against the wall, only a couple of steps away from you, his arms crossed. He's still a little guy, stocky and slightly chubby, but his arms and shoulders show his strength, and his eyes have turned a bright, fiery red. You've completely failed to notice him approaching, immersed as you were in your moping. You fidget with your rings, your glance quickly darting between his face and an unspecified point somewhere on his shoulder. This is complicated because you have a hard time looking anybody in the eye lately, and you sort of want to look Karkat in the eye instead because you know you'll feel a tiny bit better if you do, but this doesn't make it any easier. Also, you're not sure you want him to notice how stupidly pale you are for him. 

"Hey," you reply. Now that's some kickass eloquence, good job Ampora. Karkat's eyebrows jolt up for a moment in a puzzled expression, then go back to his usual focused and mildly aggravated standard.

"Not that I told you anything, but Feferi is looking for you." 

You gasp and your eyes go wide at that. 

"What? Feferi? Why?" You groan, running your hands through your hair. "Shit. Did she... I mean, what does she want?"

"Hell if I know." Karkat shrugs. "It's not like I'm that close with her. I just overheard her asking Vriska if she'd seen you around, which she hadn't, of course, because you're pretty fucking unbeatable at absconding when you put your mind to it. I'm just lucky I caught you off guard." The corner of his mouth twitches for a moment as if he were smirking, but his bitterness gets through clearly, and you look away, frowning. "So, I have no idea why she hasn't come knocking on your door yet, but since we both know she's smart, I'm going to assume she's either on her way to find you, or she's wondering if she should even bother since it's clear you don't want to be found." 

You squeeze your eyes shut, raising your hands. 

"Ok, ok, I get it. I'll go back to the common room sooner or later anyway, it's just... ugh." 

You sigh, dropping back against the wall. You've always had an easier time talking to Karkat than other people, but in this situation, it's complicated even with him. He huffs, and as you risk a curious look at him, you see him shake his head, furrowing his brow. 

"Ok, look. I get that you're going through some tough shit now... and no," he gives a sharp sweep of his hand as you try to object, "don't give me any of that 'nobody understands' hoofbeastshit, ok? I've had enough for sweeps. Of course I don't  _literally_  know what you're going through, who do you take me for? But I know you, Eridan, and I don't need Rose's psychobabble to get that you're not ok. You screwed up, you have some stuff to work through, and that's normal - but if I wanted to punish you I would've left you behind, for fuck's sake. I haven't asked you to come along to have you hiding in your room and feeling sorry for yourself like a pathetic slimy wiggler scolded by his lusus, so how about you drop the miserable and brooding act for a change and do something? Because it's getting old pretty fast if you ask me." 

**> Eridan: hear, hear!**  

Seriously now? You can accept this kind of rant from your palecrush, but not from hypothetical narrating voices that might or might not be a figment of your imagination, so someone here should really pipe down, and that's not you. Also because right now you're entirely too concentrated in gritting your teeth in exasperation, your eyes rolling back. 

"Goddammit Kar, what the fuck do you want from me?" You spread your arms and let them fall down again, as if in surrender. "It's not like whatever I do now changes anythin'. And I do wanna make thin's better and come along, ok? I'm not stupid, it's just... it's complicated. I don't even know where to start." 

Karkat rolls his eyes, crossing his arms on his chest. 

"Dude, nobody's asking you to turn your life around in a couple hours, and nobody's saying it's going to be easy. But I'm going to ask you to get over yourself and stop waiting for the world to spontaneously fix itself, because guess what, it's the worst fucking idea I've ever heard, and let me tell you I hear a lot of hoofbeastshit in a night's work. You can't change what happened, but you can stop obsessing on that and start from the little things. Face them one at a time." 

"Such as?" You furrow your brow, fidgeting with your rings.  

"Oh, I don't know. Absconding a little less once in a while, for one? Just a little tiny bit less?" Karkat shrugs. "I'm going back to the common room to make myself a toast. Wanna come too? I think she's still there."

Despite everything, your mouth waters at the prospect of food. Or at least you think it does. Stupid surreal ghostbodily functions. 

"I think I'll keep you company for a toast, yes," you say, and Karkat quirks an eyebrow at you.

"Sure, you poor starving wiggler. Far be it from me to stunt your growth." He snorts, looking you up and down. "Come on." 

As you start walking down the corridor together, he gives you an awkward pat on a shoulder -which is about as tall as he gets- and he's so much warmer than you that you shiver. You'd like to do something, maybe not something as sappy and pathetic as hugging him, because you doubt he'd appreciate -and it's not like you're suddenly back to being best bulge bumping pupa pals again, assuming you ever were-, but still, something to let him know how much it matters to you that he asked you to come along, and that he's the only one you can still manage to have a conversation with, albeit a very weak excuse for one. 

**> Eridan: go ahead and just blurt it out.**  

"Thank you," you say, and you regret it instantly because how pathetic is that, really? You might as well go ahead and tell him 'pale for you' now that you're at it, now that would freak him out for good. Idiot. "Um. For tellin' me about Fef, I mean." 

You carefully avoid looking at him directly, but you feel his stare upon you and you're sure he noticed you letting your guard down for a moment. You see him shrug out of the corner of your eye, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

"Whatever." 

The corridor falls silent, save for the broken rhythm of mismatched steps.


	4. > Feferi: Sweeps in the past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _We're starting over_  
>  _We'll head back in_  
>  _There's a time and a place to die_  
>  _But this ain't it_  
>  \- ["Now", Paramore](http://youtu.be/G133kjKy91U)

**> Eridan: ok, this is getting even more boring than usual. Be the girl.**

You should be aware that such unspecific statements can have unpredictable consequences with a cast of 20, half of which are female, but it turns out you’re lucky today and you end up being exactly the girl you were looking for. Probably, at least. The narrative has no way of knowing beforehand. Even omniscient points of view are burdened by necessary pockets of void.

You are now Feferi Peixes, a few hours in the past, and you are dead.

**> Sweeps in the past (but not many)...**

At the beginning it was just thick, cold, inky darkness, flowing and ebbing around you, cradling you. The eerie glow of your own bioluminescence traced the shape of your arms and legs, and you recognized the sharp rocks faintly glistening under you, and the pressure of water, heavy and tight on your skin. You were near the very bottom of the ocean, on your way to visit Gl’bgolyb, but you had the nagging feeling something was amiss, as if you had forgotten something, something important you were supposed to be doing. The whispers came to you, a voice like a thousand voices, around you and within you at the same time, chased and followed by echoes like rushing bubbles.

heredaughterwelcomeyoureherefinallyherewelcome

You smiled and reached out just as a cold, smooth tentacle about as large as your torso emerged from the darkness, everything you could fit in your current field of vision of the gargantuan mass of your lusus, since you were probably too far away from her massive beak to make it out at those depths. She curled the tendril under you and you wrapped your arms around it, like you used to do when you were just a wiggler, nuzzling the familiar, comforting cold of her skin.

“Of course I’m here,” you said. “I’m home. I missed you so much.”

Just as you said that you wondered why you had. Why did you feel so relieved to see her? It felt as if you hadn’t seen her in a long time, but it made no sense, since she was so high maintenance. You had surely seen her recently - you had to. Last night or the night before. Or some other night. Why couldn’t you remember the last time you visited her?

missedyoudaughterhereyourehereyouresafenowwelcome

You furrowed your brow. Why did she sound so relieved as well? Why wouldn’t you be safe? You were more lethal than most things out there and even the Condesce didn’t dare approaching your planet, because Gl’bgolyb would always protect you. And you protected her in turn and all other trolls, by keeping her fed. Yes, it was a huge responsibility, but your moirail shared your burden and would always help you feed her.

Your moirail.

The thought went through you like electricity and you bolted up, still holding onto Gl’bgolyb. Was there something you had to remember - about Eridan? Why did the thought shake you like that? It made no sense. You gulped, caressing the tendril, trying to reassure both Gl’bgolyb and yourself, and an odd taste, thick and salty and metallic, melted in your throat. Why was it familiar? Why did you feel so cold all of a sudden?

whydoyounotlaughchild

Blood.

You looked down and you saw it. You saw the gaping hole in your chest, your blood flowing away like a huge inky cloud, coating Gl’bgolyb’s skin, and suddenly your hands clenched around the weight of your trident and far away a blinding, ominous light tore the darkness apart, a light coming from - was that Eridan?

Was that a wand in his hand?

whyareyouupsetyouresafenow

A burst of bubbles blinded you for a moment, and when your sight came back, you were no more near the bottom of the ocean, with your beloved lusus. You were on a meteor in the Veil, your lusus was dead, the Game was over, you were charging towards your moirail -your ex-moirail- trident in hand, fists clenched with the fury and the madness that Sollux might be dead and all because of him and you saw Eridan raise the wand towards you. You had no time to feel pain, but you did have time to realize that this was the end for you, that you were going to die.

You were already dead.

youresafenowitistime

As the light dissipated, shifting, oily darkness took its place once more, but this time you saw through it. Under the shadows, an unimaginable, infinite ocean of eyes, beaks, tendrils unfurled, twitched, writhed, whispered in that clicking, seething, bubbling tangle of language that only your lusus and those of her kind could speak.

timeforthelastprophecytocometrue

Swarms of bubbles lit up the darkness, and in their glistening rainbows you saw reflections of the past come to life: you rescuing Sollux in the Land of Brains and Fire, Aradia’s robot exploding, the demon destroying Derse, you trying to befriend Jade and show her that there was nothing to be scared of.

It was then that it finally sunk in, and you remembered, you knew what you had forgotten. You knew the truth now, you knew what was happening, and you grew so light and dizzy with excitement you had to concentrate not to flutter away with the prickly bubbles and lose your train of thought.

The last prophecy. Gl’bgolyb foretold you were supposed to be the one to unite the two races, and you had always thought she meant landdwellers and seadwellers, and when your world was swept away you were surprised it was left unfulfilled without anything else to go on - but now you knew it, you knew the truth.

You were dead, and you were in the Furthest Ring, drifting between dream bubbles - the same bubbles you had asked the gods to create so you could meet with your human friends in your sleep. You had created a home you didn’t know you needed.

You had united the Dreamers and the Dead.

A pressure built up like an itch in the back of your throat, something that tasted like promise and relief and wearing off adrenaline and serendipity and way too many polarized emotions competing for your energy at the same time, and you burst out laughing. You laughed until the trill of your voice swept bubbles away, until your eyes swam with prickly tears, until your sides ached and your cheeks stung stiff with your heavy, choked breathing. You were dead, and you were dreaming at the same time: you weren’t really laughing or breathing raggedly, you didn’t have a mouth or eyes or sides or a chest that could heave and ache, and you didn’t give a damn. You could still meet your friends, help them when they needed, build a future out of your soul and memories if flesh had been taken away from you, and this was everything that mattered, and for this you were going to laugh your gills off and glub all you wanted. Death was not the end: if anything, this was where it all started anew.

You had never felt this powerful and free in your entire life.

**> Feferi: ok, that was a nice change of pace from the angsty dude, but also kind of creepy. Please start having normal emotional reactions and never mention eldritch tentacle monstrosities in affectionate terms again, like, ever.**

You have no idea where was the creepy or the supposedly not normal in all of that. Really, how were you supposed to react? Go off on endless mind trips over the ghosts and regrets of your past life? And that would have accomplished what, exactly? That’s right. Nothing. Just as you thought. You are Feferi fucking Peixes, and that’s not how you do things. Yes, you died a violent death, and no, that’s not how you wanted things to end up at all, but there was nothing you could do about it, so you did what you had done all your life when stuff went the wrong way: you laughed and made the best of it. Also you’re pretty sure someone should learn to be more respectful when it comes to the creatures inhabiting the Furthest Ring: they’re like family to you, after all! Otherwise you might just have to resort to cracking inappropriate jokes over a certain someone’s family, and nobody is going to be happy (well, you would be, at least a little, because you have a couple funny sick burns up your sleeve, but that would be kind of mean).

**> Feferi: ok, point taken. Back to present now?**

That would be too soon! There’s so many adventures you had in the afterlife, you can’t even begin to count them.

**> Feferi: uh. Please let them be plot relevant.**

Of course they are! Really, that’s such a silly notion. You were never one very patient for long stories, so you’re just going to stick to the important stuff, and leave funny, colourful digressions up for possible shortfic requests which might or might not a figment of your imagination, just like the hypothetical (and occasionally whiny) narrating voice in your head that might or might not be leading on your flashback. There we go!

**> Feferi: accelerate.**

Guided by the whispers of the horrorterrors, you set off exploring your new, shapeless home. You found Jade first, dreaming in a memory of your recent conversation, but you inadvertently scared her into awakening when you revealed your fate - which surprised you, really: you’d think humans didn’t even know what death was, given how the thought frightened them! Then around you the temperature rose, Jade’s bed under you turning into a spongy, slippery mound of pink matter, and you recognized the dark, rusty twilight and the thick, stinging smell of ashes and honey that soaked everything in the Land of Brains and Fire. You found Sollux on the site of his first duel with Eridan, blind and toothless, but alive and surprisingly more peaceful than you’d ever seen him. You hugged him tight, his warm, electric fingers stroking your hair, your face, your lips, and as you smiled under his touch, he smiled in turn, not one of his bitter, sarcastic grins, but almost a real, serene, hopeful smile.

“I’m ok, I really am. More than I have been in sweeps,” he said, and his smile dropped into a frown for a moment, his brow furrowing. “I just wish I didn’t have to meet you here, and... I’m sorry.”

You shook your head with a smirk. Typical Sollux, putting the whole world on his shoulders and willing to pay for it. You loved him to bits, but sometimes he had a terrible attitude.

“Hey, you stop that, ok?” you said. “I knew what I was risking when I equipped my trident. Yes, I wish I had been faster, or that I realized how dangerous Eridan really was earlier, for that matter - but what’s the point in thinking about it now? What happened wasn’t your fault: it was my decision, and I don’t regret it. And if you keep doing that thing where it’s all about you and your horrible flaws, I’m going to have to call you grouchy motherglubber again!”

For a moment you thought he was going to object, his lips parting and closing as if he were looking for words that escaped him, but soon enough the wrinkle of worry in his brow seemed to melt, and to your relief, he chuckled.

“You’re right. Fuck, you’re so right.” He sighed and knotted his fingers on the back of your head to draw you closer, his brow against yours. “I’m gonna miss you when I wake up.”

You swallowed a sour, stinging itch at the back of your throat.

“I’m gonna miss you too,” you said, running your hands through his hair. “But we’ll meet again soon, I’m shore of it.”

You pecked him on the lips softly -it felt weird not having to turn to avoid clicking your fangs together- and he smiled in the kiss.

“It might be sooner than you think, FF,” he whispered, and you were about to ask him what he meant, but his skin turned translucent and the hold of his arms around you loosened - and just like that, just like Jade, he was gone.

Suddenly you knew what he meant. It wasn’t the first of his prophecies of doom you’d heard, but he hadn’t looked gloomy and cynical as usual. You just hoped his serenity meant he would at least have the chance to die on his own terms, and not because of someone else.

This time though, either his prophecy was wrong or he had seriously underestimated how hard it was to find someone else in the Furthest Ring by intent, because you didn’t see him again for a long while. You didn’t know how long you spent exploring exactly: it felt like whole sweeps, although it probably didn’t make much sense to keep thinking in those terms in the afterlife. You met Jade again, and this time she was god tier and had cute furry ears on her head like a barkbeast. You met Terezi, all bundled up in her dragon cape and much less grinning than what you remembered - as well as surprisingly shorter than you, while back on the meteor you were more or less the same height, as if your mind wanted to keep the illusion of growing up. You had a long, much deserved chat with Kanaya in a sunny, colourful memory of the garden around her hive, her flawless skin softly glistening and a thin ring of jade bleeding around the grey of her irises. You met Nepeta a couple of times, and Equius once, but never the two of them together. You met Vriska and Tavros, and you were surprised of finding them traveling together of all people, him much more confident and her much less of a huge beach than you remembered. You even came across yourself from a couple of doomed timelines, and some of the dancestors, including your own (whom you carefully avoided confronting because of the high risk of being forked on sight, and also because let’s face it, Meenah was pretty much beachin’ rad). You didn’t run into Gamzee once, but from the news you’d heard, you weren’t missing out on much.

Now and then, when you were tired of exploring, you retreated to a memory of your hive, you sunk in your recuperacoon and just disappeared for a while. It felt like sleeping without dreams, even though it didn’t quite make sense that you even got tired as dead, but then again you also got hungry and used the gaper from time to time, so maybe your mind just needed this because it was used to it, just like your imaginary body and those of your dead friends kept maturing and changing. You had grown tall and leggy, although not as tall as the skinny, wiry Vriska or the massive Equius, while Tavros, stocky and broad-shouldered, was now just a little shorter than you, and Nepeta had stayed the shortest person you knew, but had grown more muscular and athletic, and the lines of her face had lost the sweetness of wigglerhood.

Often, when you left your hive to resume your journey, breaking the surface of the waves you found a violet glow like distant lightning rippling on the horizon, and far away, a shipwreck hive on a rocky little island. There had been a time when that familiar shape rising beyond the waves brought a smile to your lips, a time when you had a moirail you had known for so long you couldn’t remember how life was before him, a time when you really believed you had been made for each other. A time when you held him and he calmed down, and you told him  _I know you_ , over and over again, because you had been taught this was what moirails said to each other, just like matesprits said  _I love you_  and kismeses said  _I hate you_.

Then came a time when talking only meant being walled out and trying harder only meant being fought off every step of the way, and you wondered if you knew him anymore. And now you were dead, and you wondered if you’d ever known him at all.

You were never one to look back or dwell on the past: you always found it pretty much a waste of time, one that made you feel useless and helpless on top of it, so you learned to smile and move on, no matter what happened. An Empress had to shape her world’s future, and couldn’t afford the luxury of regrets. Eridan had never learned. He was the brooding type, always analyzing and picking apart every moment until he couldn’t even tell what the problem was anymore, always blowing things out of proportion, always placing his self-worth on the wrong things - his clothes, his caste, his culture, the way others perceived him. Yes, of course you too cared about your appearance and how others saw you, but the way you saw yourself had always come first. What you had told Sollux was true: you still didn’t regret turning your trident on Eridan, because you had to try and stop him, you couldn’t let him hurt someone else or lead Jack to your hideout. But at the same time, despite everything, you still felt betrayed, even if you had done it fully knowing you were risking your life. Maybe because having learned about doomed timelines from other iterations of yourself made you wonder how things could have gone differently.

Or maybe just because a stupid, idealistic part of you still remembered that troubled, needy boy with the silly cape you shared raw squid with, and still refused to believe your childhood friend would ever hurt you.

Each time the shipwreck hive appeared, the scene soon flickered back into darkness and dissolved, and you turned and walked away, wondering whether it was Eridan or you keeping that distance alive.

It was the last time you saw a glimpse of that memory that everything started to change. As you turned away, the rocky outcrop you were braced on and the waves cradling you suddenly vanished, as if the bubble had literally popped, and far away in the inky nothingness, the Furthest Ring itself seemed to shatter and collapse in a white-hot web of cracks and splinters.

heisherehehascomethelordofallangelsisalreadyhere

You had to swallow as the ever present clicks and whispers between your ears rose to shrill, piercing screams, and wet gashes of tyrian bled through the cracks in the Ring. You had never heard fear before in the voices of the horrorterrors, and when you started recognizing some of the voices amidst the deafening chaos, you realized they weren’t the only ones screaming.

hehascomehebringsnomercyhewilldevourshadowsandleavelightinhiswake

The gods themselves were being slaughtered, along with the souls they hosted. Something was devastating the dream bubbles themselves, the only home you and your dead friends had left.

As the screams subsided to whispers again, the shadows shifted, painting the sadly familiar grey walls of the main lab on the meteor in the Veil, and you found yourself curled up on Gamzee’s horn pile with a squeaky honk. Your heart, even nonexistent as it was, still pounded loud, and you could still see the crack in the Ring, like a faded scribble on the wall. You had to find out what was happening: the words of the gods reminded you of one of the most obscure prophecies of Gl’bgolyb, the one about the mysterious lord of all angels at the end of everything, but that was not much help. You had to look for your friends, find out if they were all still there: it was likely they were safe, since the Furthest Ring was crawling with ghosts from thousands of doomed timelines, but you couldn’t be sure, and you had learned on your skin that finding people intentionally around there was no easy feat. You had no idea how your bubble had shifted to that room in the Veil, for instance, since you were alone. You had a moment to wonder what it was you had to remember about the dust and metallic debris scattered about on the floor, when the voice behind you answered the riddle for you.

“I knew I had heard the waves.”

A creaking, metallic, monotone voice, yet rippling with the rich undertones of a contralto. Few things would unnerve Sollux such as that voice, you recalled. It was cruel, just cruel, he would say, how similar it sounded to her voice, and yet how it did nothing but remind him that she was not her, she would never be.

You turned around, but you didn’t find the robot’s silvery silhouette. What you did find, standing in the still smoking fragments of the metallic carcass, was a young troll you had only seen as alive previously in a couple of Sollux’s old photographs -the ones he allowed you to see without ripping them straight out of your curious hands muttering something ridiculous about how he only ruined photos, that is, as if he could actually manage to look like anything short of adorable, fancy that-, and even then, never like this. Aradia Megido herself, newly alive and well, and judging from the fluttering, paper thin wings on her back and her scarlet hoodie, a god tier Time player to boot. You got up, taking a few curious steps towards her: the Maid of Time was stocky and shorter than you, and visibly older than in the pictures you had seen, as her irises had almost completely turned a deep maroon and her figure had bloomed into soft, feminine curves, a stark contrast to your long legs and small breasts. Thick, unruly locks of hair framed her rounded face, tumbling off her unfastened hood to reach the small of her back in a wild cascade, and this you clearly had in common, only your hair was not that wavy and had the lighter, slick texture of seadweller hair, while hers was curlier and bushier. For a long moment, as you stood there and looked at her in wonder, she just looked back at you, almond eyes beaming between scarlet eyelashes, and she smiled, a smile so similar to the ones appearing in those old photographs, and yet outright new and surprising. She smiled all full, scarlet lips and barely even a hint of tiny, rounded fangs, generous and fearless. Relieved, you smiled back. 

“Aradia! I’m so glad to see you’re alright. Do you know what’s going on out there?” You frowned, noticing the two of you were alone. “And... is Sollux ok? Kanaya told me he was with you.”

“Don’t worry, he’s alright: I’m just taking a nap!” Aradia chuckled, her voice now a live troll’s voice, and you thought you caught a glimpse of something bittersweet in her glance for a moment, maybe worry, maybe just affection. Sollux never admitted how he and Aradia were quadranted exactly, assuming they even were in the first place, but you knew they were very close and had drifted apart after her death. Some part of you gave an uncomfortable twinge: you had always been jealous of that, not really of her but of that very concept, of such an important part of Sollux’s life you didn’t belong in and you often felt like you wouldn’t even understand. But you shook it off easily, glad that now they had reunited and reconciled. 

“As for what’s happening... it’s a bit of a long story.” Aradia shrugged, not losing her smile. “But I can show you, if you want.”

Aradia held out a hand, and as you took it, you shivered at the vibrant heat seeping through her skin. She was the warmest person you had ever touched, even warmer than Sollux.

She turned around, and with a flick of her wings, the walls of the bubble shivered and dissolved, melting into the cold, eerie light of the Green Sun. She told you everything she had discovered exploring the Furthest Ring, and as she talked, flashes of memories that weren’t yours came alive around you: the tale of two cherubs, the rise to power of the Lord of Time, the creation of the Green Sun itself, the gruesome cycle of revenge Team Charge and Team Scourge had been pulled into by Doc Scratch’s machinations, and how the demon he served had twisted both of your sessions to his own gain. That was your one true enemy: Lord English, the omnipotent cherub who arose as the master of Time.

The lord of all angels.

“That’s him, right? Lord English,” you said when the cracks in the Furthest Ring emerged as bright as before from the darkness at that thought. “He’s tearing down paradox space itself.” 

Aradia nodded.

“He’s looking for the only thing that scares him, the only thing that could beat him, and he’s not going to stop until he’s found it or until there’s nothing left to destroy.” She grinned, all tiny fangs, bravery and raw energy, and whoa, she really was awfully cute. “What he doesn’t know, because he’s too busy wrecking stuff apart to use his think pan, is that he’s leading us to it!”

As Aradia told you about the plan she had hatched with Vriska to defeat Lord English, the bubble’s landscape shifted to a lush meadow on Alternia; in the dull pastel glow of the moons, you could make out the silhouette of a rural hive and a windmill in the distance, and you let her lead the way, your hand still in hers. 

“So that’s our plan! And it’s also thanks to you, Feferi,” Aradia said, and when you blinked at her in surprise, she nodded enthusiastically, squeezing your hand in hers. “Well, think about it! The whole plan is based on exploring lost memories through stable dream bubbles. If you hadn’t made your deal with the gods, there would be no plan to hatch, no hope to fight for… not even a home for our memories.” She gestured around the scene before you, and as you got closer to the hive, you noticed several open digs in the ground surrounding it, and a small, white figure curled up on the door; it didn’t take you long to figure out where you were. “When I heard the waves in my dream, I followed the sound because I hoped to find you… so I could thank you.”

You were about to object that she didn’t really have to thank you, since you had no idea back then it would become so important, when the creature on the door sprung up and started sprinting towards you on all fours with its head down; a bleatbeast lusus, judging from its size and curly horns.

“Watch it,” Aradia said, then grabbed the lusus by its horns just in time to stop it from slamming into her knees with an angry bleat. It tried fighting back, its head thrashing left and right, hooves snapping against the ground, but Aradia kept it steadily at bay, digging her heels down, until it got tired and flopped down at her feet, nuzzling her calves apologetically. “There’s a good girl,” she said, sitting down on the grass to let the lusus lay its head in her lap, caressing its woolen back. She winked at you as you looked on in curiousity. “It’s just her ‘I’m happy to see you but I’m still pissed at you’ routine, nothing to worry about. I bet yours did that too.”

You smiled, but this time with a twinge of nostalgia.

“Sometimes... when she was scared,” you said, sitting down next to her, and shyly raised a hand towards the lusus. “Can I?”

 

Lusi were usually scared of you or outright aggressive: they recognized a tyrian’s smell and rightfully associated it with danger. The only exception was Eridan’s lusus, and only because the two of you had met at a very young age and he had trained him into accepting you. Aradia’s lusus was only a memory of one, though.

“I don’t think she’ll mind,” Aradia said, shrugging. You gently caressed the creature’s head, and it shivered, but otherwise gave no nod to your presence; the lusus was incredibly warm, just like Aradia. ”What was she scared of?”

Aradia's glance looked genuinely curious, her thick eyebrows arching up. What could scare fear itself, after all?

“Being left alone,” you replied.

Aradia chuckled, and you decided you liked that sound. It was soft and warm, just like the rest of her, and somehow reassuring, even if you didn’t really know what you needed to be reassured of. Yes, you still missed your lusus, but Gl’bgolyb’s death -just like your own, just like Aradia’s and her lusus’- was just a thing that had happened, after all, and you were grateful she wasn’t making a big deal out of it either.

“Aren’t all lusi?” she said.

For a while you just stayed there and talked, about your lives, about your deaths, about everything that now was over and yet was still a part of you, and around the two of you, on that meadow that wasn't real, glimpses of that world far gone bloomed through the darkness. She told you about how she had become god tier and fought against Jack, about the bizarre doomed realities she had discovered through her own journey in the dream bubbles. She told you about her FLARPing campaigns with Tavros, and the night she had found his broken body at the bottom of a cliff. She told you about how surprised she had been when she had found him with Vriska, and discovered it had taken them death and a harrowing experience in literally each other's minds, apparently thanks to Gamzee’s obscure plans, to learn to handle each other. You told her she shouldn't blame herself, and she told you she didn't, and that you shouldn't either, and you didn't need her to explain what she was hinting at. You told her about how you used to go hunting with Eridan, how you cut his hair and he braided yours, how you bathed together when you were wigglers and how at some point he started pulling the most ridiculous excuses to avoid it, and looking back you wondered how you hadn't seen it sooner. She told you about one time that she had to drag Sollux out of the recuperacoon and into the shower by telekinesis, because he wouldn't do it on his own. Then you almost wanted to ask her about him, but you didn't, because you realized you didn't need to. You could see it in her eyes, in the way she talked about him, that if he was with her he was safe and happy, and this was enough for you.

It was then, right then, as you looked at her talking, gesturing, laughing, dimples peeking in her soft cheeks, that you realized that you felt like you'd known this girl you just met for a long time. She could be worried, meditative or nostalgic, but she was never scared, bitter or regretful, whether she was pondering life or death, the past or the future. She was bright, reassuring and warm, just like her smile was, she was hungry for life and new moments and adventures like nobody else you ever met - except yourself. This was the girl who died and went on, then lived again, then died again and again and again in a tangle of doomed timelines, only to come out of it stronger and more alive than ever before. This was the girl who knew death and knew life, and still dared both to take her smile off. In that moment, you were sure that if there was anyone in the whole of paradox space who could really, completely understand you - your need for freedom, your need to grasp every opportunity without letting anything hold you back, your need to get up and run even faster after every fall, no matter what happened - it would be her.

“How can I join you?” You asked her in the end, when she started to feel the awakening approaching. “I want to help you guys against that green basshole!”

“Look for me again here, in this memory... it belongs to both of us now.” She smiled again, squeezing your hand in hers. “I'll try to find it again when awake, and I'll lead you to the others.”

You nodded enthusiastically, and you wanted to hug her or just say goodbye but you couldn't, because in a moment she was gone. You were left alone once more, in the comforting darkness of the Furthest Ring, with that crack still ominously glimmering in the distance.

You didn't get the chance to make good on your promise soon, or at least, not on your own terms. Soon after your encounter with Aradia you ended up in the humans' new session, thanks to Gamzee who decided to prototype a sprite with your corpse, together with Nepeta's, for reasons you don't really want to ponder too much because seriously: fuck that guy. You suppose it could have been worse: you had always gotten along with Nepeta, although you weren't really close, so being stuck with her was not too bad. You became fast friends with both Roxy and Jane, and you ate a probably unhealthy amount of cake.

Then you found Eridan and Sollux, or to be precise, they found you, after having fallen prey to Gamzee's whims as well. You didn't really know what to say, how to deal with them, and Nepeta's unfamiliarity with one and irritation with the other did not help. But as you listened to their awkward, messed up attempt at an apology, you wondered whether Eridan would have had the courage to face you and tell you all of that if Sollux hadn't been there as well - and whether you would have listened at all if it had been just you and your former moirail. You thought back on all the times you had seen his hive appear in your shared memories, unable to reach it, and once again you wondered who of the two of you had been running away from the other. It made you smile, because you realized it didn't really matter now.

Sure, nothing would ever erase what had happened, and certainly not an apology. But you were never one to dwell on the past: moving on was what you did, no matter what happened, and you couldn't really move on without facing the past. At least an apology was a start.

It didn't last long, since Nepeta had her own unfinished business to attend to with Equius. The sprite bond was broken and you were yourself again, back in the dream bubbles and exactly in the place you wanted to reach: Vriska's ship, where you were happy to reunite with both Sollux and Aradia. You tried to comfort Nepeta, since she looked more shaken from the event than you, but she quickly pulled herself back together like a real trooper between jokes and cat puns, and you got the impression that either she preferred to take her mind off what happened, or that she simply missed her moirail and found it inappropriate to vent with you. Which was weird, because you just wanted to help! You wondered if her reactions looked so clear to you because of your shared experience as a sprite. In any case, you took the hint, not wanting her to feel smothered.

You're not sure how much time really passed from that moment, assuming time was even a thing that still made sense to think about, but it felt like it flew by. The dead joined the dreamers, the trolls joined the humans, and as you fought by your friends' side against Lord English, you were reminded of the battle against the Black King, seemingly ages ago. You felt like you could do anything with them by your side, like finally everything was going to be alright. Back then, you had been wrong: the prize at the end of the game had been stripped from you, you had to run into hiding and everything had fallen apart.

But this time, you knew you were right.

The first thing you did when it was all over was look for Aradia and Sollux, and pull them into a tight hug. Then you saw Eridan, just a few steps behind them, looking at the three of you nervously, and you walked up to him. He had grown taller than you, a strong, well-built young man, although not as bulky and imposing as Equius. He started wriggling his hands as you reached him, clearly evading your stare, and for a moment you were reminded of that awkward, pigheaded boy you once thought you knew. The young man in front of you had killed two people, blinded a third and very nearly doomed your species, but had also just helped your group save the whole of paradox space from destruction and secure a hope for the future on a brand new world. That boy you once knew was still there, even broken as he was. That boy probably needed a hug, but you weren't sure that the young man would accept it: he was clearly fighting the impulse to run away. So you took his hands in yours, feeling them cold and shaking, and he returned the hold. For the first time since the night of your death, you talked to him.

“I'm happy you're still here.”

**> Back in the present (or more or less)...**

You're still Feferi Peixes, and you're still dead, but you're more or less back to the present, which means the previously mentioned few hours in the past, traveling with your fellow players to the core of Skaia and the new planet awaiting you.

What will you do?


	5. > Feferi: Back in the present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _You can't be too careful anymore_  
>  _When all that is waiting for you_  
>  _Won't come any closer_  
>  _You've got to reach out_  
>  _A little more_  
>  \- ["Careful", Paramore](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5howHv3F54)

**> Feferi: do something productive, as in anything that moves the story forward. Possibly without adding to your already established creepiness factor.**

Ok, ok, sheesh! We are back to present time now, aren’t we? More or less, at least. That’s usually a good starting point for things to move forward. Whatever that means, because you have to admit, you’re not that good at linear thought after hanging out in the dream bubbles for so much. Luckily enough for certain hypothetical narrating voices which may or may not belong in the realm of fictional constructs, you are quite good at being productive -as should be kind of obvious by now if only a certain someone had been paying more attention- and that’s exactly what you’re doing right now!

**> Feferi: cut out the sass and show whatever the heck you’re doing.**

Wow. It looks like SOM-EON-E woke up on the wrong side of the absurd human bed tonight! Luckily enough again, you have better things to do than hold grudges, so you get back to the matter at hand right away before this goes overboard.

(Whatever this is, because you sure don’t know.)

At the moment, you’re in your room on the meteor, sitting crosslegged on the carpet, going through your old stuff for anything that can be discarded for grist without hard feelings, as Kanaya asked you. Aradia is with you, partially because you just like hanging out, partially because she’s very good at getting you back on track when you get distracted. Which is often. Seriously, even you can’t believe all the stuff you had accumulated in this room! It’s true that you were never one to spend time browsing through mementoes -you’ve always been more the type to stuff old things into chests to make room for new things, in fact- but you had very nearly forgotten where literally half of these things came from, which makes for some nice surprises.

You will still keep Psiidon’s Entente, of course, but you can safely ditch for grist all those weird and unpractical upgrades to it, as well as various trinkets and quest items you collected during the Game. Your old clothes are either too short or too tight on the shoulders now, and you briefly think they’d look cute on Aradia before realizing that if they don’t fit you, there’s no way your curvy friend is going to squeeze in them, so away they go. Your old waterproof mascara and nail polishes, your shampoo and that wonderful hair balm with that delicious coconut scent -the only thing that would make your mane bend to the comb- now officially constitute health hazards, but it's a good thing you can't keep them since they’re probably worth a good loot in grist (especially considering how expensive and hard to get hair products for seadwellers are). You find something like half a dozen personal journals in waterproof paper, studded with pearls and colourful clamshells, that make you smile before ending up in the discard pile as well: you kept starting them with all the best intentions, and regularly ended up getting tired of them and dropping the habit in a short while. You never quite had the patience for anything that required you to sit still and focus on words for a long time, like writing or reading: even for things you were closely invested in, such as the empire’s regulations and politics, images and interaction always worked better for you, and you only managed to memorize if you took frequent breaks to make diagrams or discuss details with Eridan. These journals are beautiful, but you don’t think you’re going to miss them.

Sure, these are the easy things, those that clearly have outlived their time. What will you do with those things that can still be useful?

**> Feferi: Wear the beard, be the Santa.**

You have no idea what a Santa is and you’re definitely not in possession of a fake beard to wear, as hilarious as that would be, but you seem to remember from conversations with Jade that this has something to do with Earth’s gift-giving traditions, a bit like 12th Perigee’s Eve for trolls, and you have to admit, it’s only fitting. What better use for these things than give them to friends that will appreciate them even more than you?

Like DVDs, for instance. You have like a fuckton of DVDs of tv series and various movies, especially cartoons. And then there’s your jewelry, most of which doesn’t have a particular sentimental value for you, and your toys, and oh my glub your rubbery plushies! Sure, there’s too much stuff to keep all of it, but some of that is likely to make someone other than you really happy or at least cheer them up a little, and it would be a sin not to indulge.

Equius is likely going to appreciate a couple of your old _My little aquatic hoofbeast_ collector’s edition DVDs: you know from Nepeta he used to be all over that series, which is not surprising, considering the occasionally disturbing amounts of casteist propaganda they managed to sneak in under all the cuteness, friendship and adventures. Maybe Dirk would be curious as well and you could get to know the more mysterious Strider a little better? Roxy told you he’s a sucker for cute cartoons, although he’d try to hide it all behind irony and coolness as usual.

You find a couple of supposedly artistic romantic movies that had looked incredibly cool from the title, but actually ended up extremely boring once you watched them. Maybe Karkat would find them more interesting than you? He usually likes them if there’s lots of quadrants and lots of flipping, at least you suppose that’s what he looks for. If that’s the case, though, he wouldn’t pass on the chance to lecture you and everybody else on the subject, but oh well, you suppose you can’t have everything.

You know Jade likes plushies, so you save your favourite rubbery Mr. Cuddlefish for her, while your traditional Seadweller Baking cookbook gets set aside for Jane (humans are weirdly squeamish on food involving grubs, mussels and sugar beet, but she’s always been curious about troll cuisine). There’s a couple of -extremely forbidden- books on the ancient panspectrum senate that maybe Terezi would like to study, a cute Fiduspawn artbook that could cheer Tavros up, and your old pink tablet that Sollux already told you he wanted to upgrade.

Then you come across a heavy, thick book in waterproof paper, bound in a sturdy pink coral cover engraved with elegant motives recalling kelp groves. Another thing you had almost forgotten about, but this time it makes you pause.

“Whoa... you have the seadwellers’ edition of _the Lord of the Deeps_? I loved this novel!” Aradia’s eyes go wide as you show her the book, and as she flips throughthe first few pages, she stops, noticing the name penned in a thin, elegant violet cursive, her mouth turning into a round scarlet pearl. “Oh.”

“Yeah, whale... I liked the movie best, I admit,” you say, nervously twirling a lock of hair in your fingers. “Eridan lent his copy to me because... you know how they say, you’ve liked the movie, you just  _have_  to read the book too! And he wouldn’t stop carping at me about the political subplots and how the battles are historically accurate, and how like half of it gets lost in the movie.”

“Well, he had a point,” Aradia smirks, “the movie is a good adventure story, but you have to be a bit of a history nerd to really enjoy the book.”

“I betta that’s why I never managed to get past chapter three!” You shrug. “It was all way too slow and long-winded for me. Then the Game happened and all and I guess... I just forgot aboat it.” You sigh as Aradia gives you the book back, your fingers tracing the tangled engravings on the cover. “I suppose it would only be right to return it to him, since it’s his after all. That way we would get to talk at least... assuming he stops hiding like a clownfish, that is.”

Aradia gives you a curious stare and hands you a tangle of colourful beady necklaces to help you unravel it.

“What is there to to talk about?” she asks you, freeing a black collar with a shimmering jade worm seashell out of the tangle. “Oh, look at this. Kanaya’s going to love it.”

“You’re right, it’s really cute,” you nod, setting aside the collar in the gift pile, “and... I’m not shore what I’d like to talk aboat. I want to move on and start over, but I still feel like I’m walking on clamshells with him. I don’t like it.” You nibble your bottom lip, shaking your head. “That, and I keep thinking of what Kanaya said about the new hives. That we should start thinking of where we want to live, and how.”

You leave the rest unsaid, but you’re sure Aradia will get it all the same. She always does. She looks up at you, furrowing her brow.

“You’re worried that if you won’t ask him to go live with you, nobody else will, aren’t you?” she says, and of course, you nod. “You know he’s not going to take this well, right? He’s a lot like Sollux on these things, I can tell.”

You hadn’t really seen the similarity before, but you get what she means: Eridan or Sollux accepting to be helped? Yeah, right.

“Probubbly not, but... I just want to help.” You frown, shaking your head. “Carp, do you think I’m doing that thing where I smother people again? Like with Nepeta.”

“Maybe just a bit...” Aradia winks at you. “I think you’re doing that thing where you try to fix people, mostly! And I have to tell you, assuming you know what’s good for someone else better than they do really does not help much. People are... well, they’re people, and they’re complicated. The best thing you can do is talk to them, be honest with them and figure out what they want, what they need. Then you can figure out what it is you really want as well.”

“Wait, what do you mean?” You cock your head on a side.

“I mean that every time you bring up the thing with the new hives, you get pensive and quiet, and... well, you don’t usually do that.” Aradia shrugs, but despite her calm, carefree tone, you find yourself evading her stare. You have a feeling you know what she’s getting at all too well. “Frankly, Feferi, looking at it now it sounds like you’re considering asking Eridan to come with you because you think you have to, or you think he’s pathetic, and that’s not like you. It looks like you’re confused about the whole deal, and if I know you, it’s not about Eridan. It’s about you and what you want to do with your life on the new planet. I mean, I expected you to get all excited and start designing an underwater hive right away, or something like that, but you’ve hardly even mentioned the idea since Kanaya told you.”

You swallow, and for a few moments, your glance gets lost in the web of beads and ribbons getting thinner and thinner as you both work through it.

“Whale, I... I have some fins to think about, that’s all.”

Aradia does not press the matter further, and you don’t expect her to. She knows how to reassure you and how to be honest, and she knows when you need peace and silence. This girl knows you, she really does, and that’s both what you love about her and a pretty big part of a problem you have no idea how to face at the same time. Because yes, you are confused, and no, it’s not about Eridan, although he complicates things further.

It’s about yourself, and the girl in front of you, and the young man who’s not here right now because he makes it very clear whenever he needs some time alone. It’s about yourself, your best friend and your matesprit - or at least the one who used to be your matesprit, but you haven’t kissed from that time you met him in the dream bubbles shortly after your death, and you’re not even sure why. It’s not like you haven’t wanted to: you just haven’t tried, and he hasn’t either.

Maybe you’re just afraid to ask and discover that the answer is no. Or even worse, discover it’s not your place to ask.

You’ve never been the best at reading people, let’s face it, but you’re not stupid. You see it in the way he looks at her, in the way she smiles at him, as if they didn’t need words - just like you see it in the way he looks at you, the way he holds your hand, the way he picks up your fish puns just to make you laugh: the same warmth, the same closeness, the same unspoken need. Some part of you keeps trying to remind you that you should be angry, that you should be jealous or at the very least demand an explanation, but the truth is that you can’t, and you don’t even care, because you know you need this, whatever this is. You need her to talk with you, to laugh with you, to listen to you, to understand you like nobody else, you need her to hold your hand and make you feel more at peace than you’ve ever been. You need him to hold you, to kiss you, to look at you, to let you treasure him and show him that he’s worth it, that he matters, until he gets it into his thick think pan that he doesn’t have to thank you for liking him. You need  _them_ , the both of them, because when he curls up under a blanket to rest and you cuddle against his back, and she tucks his head under her chin, you feel like this is where you belong, this is your home, this jumbled, awkward nest of arms and warmth and mismatched heartbeats, and you’re terrified that if you do something, anything to change this sweet, confused, delicate balance, you’re going to lose them both. And you can’t let that happen.

For the first time in your life, and in your death, you don’t know what to do.

**> Feferi: oh please, not you too with the whining and brooding, it burns. Cut out the angsty introspection and do something about it.**

Ok, guess what? Point taken. It’s not like you to dance around issues and wait for them to magically solve themselves, however delicate they are. You are Feferi fucking Peixes, and you get shit done. Talking to people, being honest with them and listening to them is the best way to start - so you can figure out what they want, and what you want as well, just like Aradia said. You clear up your throat.

“You know... I’m not sure I want an underwater hive.”

Your voice comes out a little squeaky and Aradia stops fumbling with what little’s left of the tangle, widened maroon eyes looking up at you. Slowly her hands move down to rest between the two of you, still holding the necklaces, and yours follow, but while she’s setting the chore aside to give all her attention to you, you can’t help but evade her stare.

“Oh? How come?”

Looking down you notice only three necklaces are left to untangle now, closely knotted together. One of them has a tiny dried starfish, and another a simple, shiny bead of dark red coral. It almost makes you smile. Hesitantly you look up at her to ask exactly the question you’re afraid of.

“Aradia, what are we?” You smile despite yourself when her eyebrows knit together in a puzzled expression. “I think you know what I mean. All three of us.”

Your blood pusher is beating loud in your ears now, but your worry melts into relief when she smiles at you in turn and wraps your hands in hers, small and stubby and suffocatingly warm. It reminds you of the early days of your moirallegiance with Eridan, a time when everything fit, everything felt right, everything was going to turn out fine. You squeeze her hands back.

“What do you want us to be?”

For a moment your throat clenches shut at her words, as if you were about to burst out crying and you didn’t even know why.

Then you take a big breath, and you tell her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _My Little Aquatic Hoofbeast_ should be self-explanatory. Imagine a cute cartoon with seaponies being friends and having adventures, with the occasional undertone of casteism and seadweller supremacy. Cute and disturbing, or if you ask Equius, aesthetically pleasant and patriotic.  
>  _The Lord of the Deeps_ is an epic fantasy classic on Alternia and if it reminds you of 'the Lord of the Rings', it should. It has much more emphasis on political intrigues, social implications and war/tactics than on the fantastic with respect to its distant Earthling relative. While at the heart of it it's definitely a conservative story about a group of trolls from different castes who work together to bring the Empress back on the throne -hence the Hemospectrum and status quo- in a chaotic mythological Alternia, it is not commonly considered a propaganda piece, since both the story and characters are solid and believable. Yes, even the lowblood characters that in the end are totally content of being slaves and culling bait, because they genuinely believe this is their place and the best way for them to serve Alternia. With the little, important detail that the author probably didn't mean it to read so sad or outright creepy to more open minds.


	6. > Sollux: Sweeps in the past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _The love you feel_  
>  _You waste away on me_  
>  _What kind of love will let us bleed away?_  
>  \- ["What kind of love", Avantasia](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Rw0D_lSNmA)

**> Feferi: ok, this is getting a tad too mushy. Be the other guy.**

Careful. There's like 9 other guys on the meteor, assuming you don't want to be Eridan again. Do you?

**> Feferi: for the love of all that's good in paradox space please NO. Be the dude with the fucked up flushed quadrant.**

That's still pretty vague for a group of hormone-addled 8 sweepers, but given the situation, it's a safe bet to assume you mean a certain bifurcated troll with a tormented history that mainly involves suffering a variety of visual impairments and dying a lot.

You are now  **Sollux Captor** , a few more hours in the past than previously mentioned, and you are half dead. Or half alive. Whatever, it doesn't really make sense after all.

**> Sweeps in the past (but not many)...**

What is this, time for one of those supposedly meaningful flashbacks over your afterlife, or half-afterlife, or some other kind of joke? Because there's not much to say, really. Your life was basically a bad joke of paradox space from the beginning, your death was the punchline, and what happened after that was even lamer, so you have no idea what an imaginary reader of disgustingly self-indulgent narratives would be expecting from you, honestly. So you'll be quick and to the point and make an effort not to projectile vomit up into the non-existant atmosphere surrounding the meteor at your own recollections.

**> Sollux: that's actually sort of reassuring.**

You're welcome, but let's kick this shit going before it grows moss all over and you change your mind.

You died once, during the Game, to be woken up by a princess, and you died again in the Veil, blind and with her goggles on, to be woken up by a fairy. You were no longer blind, although you had lost your depth perception, and now you had eternity in front of you, to rest, to dream, to explore - and to make up for lost time.

You had met her again in a dream, before your final death, but you hadn't quite realized how much you had missed Aradia until you were reunited with her - the sound of her voice, the warmth of her hand in yours as she led you around, that wild light in her eyes when she was curious or excited, the way she knew when to needle you and when to listen and when just to give you space for a while, her terrible jokes (and it's not like you're some kind of hatched comedian either, let's face it) and most of all her smile, the smile you thought you'd lost forever. Now and then you just stayed there and looked at her, transfixed, paralyzed by the urge to say something, anything to let her understand just how much she meant to you and how much she filled your whole world now that you'd found her again. But you never said anything because you wouldn't even know where to start, and she usually ended up laughing at your dumb vacant expression or making a goofy face to make you laugh in turn, and the moment soon was gone.

The need remained, like a soft pulse in your throat, and some part of you, the jaded jerk you still were at the core, eagerly took the occasion to mock you. 

 _Don't you see it?_ , said the voice.  _Of course you don't. You don't want to see it yet. Can't wait to see how you'll screw everything up this time around, idiot._

Your no longer impending doom helped you keep your inner asshole at bay and shrug that foreboding feeling away: you had more important stuff to do than waste time fucking around in self deprecation (yes, hard to believe, especially coming from you, but still). You had gotten Aradia back, but it was Feferi you missed now. You searched for her in the bubbles several times, both while sleeping and awake (you try not to think too much over the fact that half-death apparently contemplates needing to sleep now and then, oh and growing up as well), but to no avail. Aradia explained you it was normal, because moving by intent through the dream bubbles was incredibly complex even for a powerful time player such as herself, but it still felt frustrating, especially because after a while you started worrying about Feferi, even knowing how stupid that was. Really. Even now that she was dead, and you were dead too, or half-dead, or whatever, your prophecies of doom wouldn't leave you alone?

You're not sure how long your travels went on, between dreams, memories and shadows of dead friends -all but the one you wanted to meet the most-, but you remember your teeth were growing back and you had become taller than Aradia, when the source of doom revealed itself. All at once the voices came back, but now they were the voices of ghosts about to be destroyed by the one you would soon come to know as the Lord of Time, your one true enemy. As you lay with your head in Aradia's lap, her warm, expert fingers kneading your scalp to help you work through the first migraine after your death, she told you a web of cracks had appeared in paradox's space itself as the monster carved his path of destruction.

She had to tell you, because you were blind again, thanks to everybody's least favourite deranged clown (oh, and by the way, fuck that guy): your consciousness ripped in two and you found yourself stretched like a rope across two realities, once more blind and alive on one side, merged in a SBURB sprite with Eridan of all people on the other. Talk about a miserable experience. You thought you were the Alternian authority on self-deprecation, even worse than Karkat, but it turned out you were in excellent company. You hated it all so much that from time to time you still wonder why you hadn't exploded right away.

**> Sollux: ponder the fact that you two are probably more similar than you want to admit.**

Hell no. No way, you fail to ponder this is as a possible explanation. You outright refuse to. What the fuck, you already have your own shit to figure out without this asshole hogging the spotlight in your flashbacks. Although you do have to admit, his genuine need to apologize to Feferi helped you both in dealing with that forced cohabitation. Yes, he was an asshole all the same, and you still think he is, mind you, but at least he knows he is an asshole and he's not as dangerous and obnoxious as before, which makes having him around on the meteor on the way to the new planet at least something you can deal with. Which for most of the time you don't even have to, since you hardly see him around, and you're fine with that.

**> Sollux: uh. Please don't go on a tangent over the angsty dude though.**

Nah, no worries, you aim to think of that dipshit as less as possible. You have much more important and interesting matters on your mind.

**> Sollux: fast forward to more important and interesting matters.**

Soon after your awkward confrontation with Fefetasprite you were reunited with Feferi on Vriska's ship, where you had been working with the others on a plan to stop Lord English from wrecking apart both sides of paradox space. Aradia had already told you she had met Feferi in a dream -which had made you oddly envious since you were still missing her so much-, but as soon as you were reunited you were amazed by the spontaneous harmony between them. You couldn't remember if they had even talked at all during the Game or before, but on the ship you heard them all the time, exchanging tales from their adventures in dream bubbles and alternate timelines, discussing details of the plan or just what was on their mind at the moment. After all, it only made sense that the very creator of dream bubbles and their self appointed guardian would find some common ground, as different as the two of them might seem. Feferi laughed at the most morbid things, the kind that had always left Aradia pretty much unfazed, and it would have been much more unsettling if you hadn't missed so much the sound of her voice. Feferi's laugh trilled and bounced like pearls on glass, and the hairs on the back of your neck stood up. Aradia's laugh was quieter and warmer, like a crackle of fire, a rustle of velvet, and your goosebumps only got worse. You chuckled your sorry ass chuckle at their tales and jokes, their terrible sense of humor aside, but you loved their laughing so much that you just wanted to be a part of it. You needed it.

 _Do you see it yet?_ , your inner jerk said.  _Not literally see it of course. No, it seems you're still too much of a braindead dipshit to get it._

While you were still blind, it was mostly Aradia that led you around. Her strong, stubby fingers slipped between yours easily, as if they'd been made to fit, or wrapped around the crook of your elbow, and she felt so soft and reassuring, and so damn fucking warm. Feferi wrapped herself around your arm now and then, but she was too excitable to be a good guide, and you had to slow her down now and then. Her skin felt colder than yours, but unmistakably alive, tense with strength and electricity. When you needed to rest, you asked Aradia to lead you to one of the cabins on the bottom, where the ship's swaying was minimum, and you curled up into a ball under a blanket. Sooner or later, both of them joined you. Aradia let you lay your head against her soft chest, and Feferi cuddled against your back, wrapping an arm around your waist. You weren't quite sure what she did was actually sleeping, being a ghost, but it sure looked like it. Either way, you were grateful she did, because you loved just lying there, nestled between your girls. 

It didn't take you much to start thinking in those terms. It took you even less to realize where this was going, and how it was not going to end well.

 _There you go, now you see it_ , said your inner jerk, coming back in full force.  _I tried to warn you. Asshole._

They were not your girls. They were not yours, and you were not theirs, and you had no right to think of them that way. But you couldn't help it.

You had been matesprits with both of them, without really breaking up with neither: in both cases, you had been separated by death, not by choice. You had no idea what you were to either of them exactly now that you had found them again. Sometimes you wondered if they were afraid to ask or to take the initiative as much as you were, and you despised yourself for that because really, who the fuck did you think you were to assume these two amazing trolls were both red for you now - or even to hope for it? Who were you to warrant such a fuss? Sure, they seemed to like to spend time with you, for whatever reason, to coddle you and take care of you, but they hadn't offered you anything different than a friend would - although admittedly, a very close friend at that: sleeping in the same pile is not the kind of thing someone does with casual pals, after all. When eventually the sprite bond with Eridan was broken and you got your half-sight (and your half-death) back, the final fight against Lord English drawing near, you started noticing the fleeting stares and how glaringly obvious, and probably weird it all must have looked to the others. After all, it's always twos with you, isn't it? Check it out, the pathetic bifurcated loser has two flush crushes, how unsurprising! Nobody made an attempt to embarrass you or stick their nose into your business, not even Karkat, who you can tell was genuinely worried about you at some point, and you were grateful because with much urgent things to worry about, such as the fate of paradox space on your team's shoulders, you had no idea how you would react. 

**> Back in the present (or more or less)...**

And now that you've fought by your friends' side once again, that you've helped prevent the impending collapse of paradox space itself and won the chance to claim the prize that was ripped from you over 2 sweeps ago, here you are, traveling towards the core of Skaia on another stupid meteor. You're still frozen between your wants and your fears, and you're pretty much aware you're screwed, because you're going to have to make a choice sooner or later, and the fundamental reason why you already know you can't is just that there is no choice at all. You need Aradia Megido, and you need Feferi Peixes,and you're terrified you're going to lose them both.

What will you do?


	7. > Sollux: Back in the present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _I close my eyes on this night_  
>  _And you're all that I see_  
>  \- ["Not what you see", Savatage](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfRrFyRvDzw)

**> Sollux: do anything that isn't whining or having angsty flashbacks before a certain scarfnecked douchebag starts looking more productive than you.**

Ok, ok, sheesh! Racking your sick brains like this is not going to accomplish much in any case, apart from making you feel worse, so getting off your ass and doing something to distract yourself sounds like an excellent idea. Especially because right now -the aforementioned several hours in the past, relatively to a hypothetical narrative present you won't be devoting too much thought to- you're cuddled under a blanket right between the girls and you can't see much in the darkness of the room where you've been napping just until recently, namely Feferi's room, so thinking of anything else is kind of impossible.

Trying not to wake up either of them, you get up on your elbows and hesitantly palm around to orient yourself. You recognize Feferi's colder skin on your left, her bangles, her waves of hair. You find Aradia's warmth on your right, the plush texture of her god tier hoodie, and... oh. Ok, that soft, full curve below her elbow is probably her ass, and you take your hand away abruptly. You swallow, rubbing at your stinging eyes. You've never been ashamed of your sexuality, but up until now, said topic was just about you, your bulge and finding a way to avoid staining clothes. Now it's not just about you anymore, as innocent as it might be to accidentally cop a feel, and it just needlessly complicates things.

**> Sollux: quick, think unsexy thoughts!**

The image of Gamzee Makara in his fake god tier attire could probably kill boners across multiple timelines, at least as far as you're concerned, so your temporary discomfort is quickly solved. See, you know things are shitty when you're sort of turned on and thinking about Gamzee of all people becomes an acceptable use of your time. You don't even feel like paying a visit to the ablution block for a good, solid jerk off. It's just depressing. Trying not to wake up either of them, you get up, slip on your shoes that you had dropped off near the door, and head out for the common room. You need to keep yourself busy, and to do that, coffee is an imperative.

Your sleep schedules have always been hectic, but without any dark and light cycles to keep track of, so have become everybody else's, so you're not surprised to see people casually hanging out anytime you visit the common room. Tavros and Nepeta on a far off table seem to be very focused on some sort of card game, while Dave and Jade are on his laptop and judging from the jiggling of their heads, they're listening to music on shared headphones, which you're not sure if it's revolting or outrageously cute. Whatever, as long as they don't pay attention to you it's all good. You only notice Kanaya when something goes _ding_ and she emerges from behind the food counter with some grubsauce toasts fresh out of the oven. She smiles at you as you wait for your cup in front of the coffee machine and your meal sack makes a really gross and embarrassing appreciative noise at the familiar smell. You can't go wrong with grubsauce.

"Oh! Hello," she says, gesturing to the tray. "I suggest you help yourself before the swarm of lawnjumpers arrives."

It takes you a moment to get what she's referring to. You've never been much a big eater yourself, but certain highbloods, on the other hand...

"Thanks," you mumble, munching on a toast, and almost involuntarily groan when she offers you the little jar with that disgustingly sweet sticky fruit jelly she and the humans appear to like so much. "Ugh, no. Already tried it, too sweet for me."

You have a moment to wonder if you're being more of a jerk than usual when she furrows her brow, but sometimes you can't help it. You never have a good reaction to anything that reminds you of honey. Luckily for you, you might be a jerk but Kanaya is used to bigger jerks than you.

"Good. We can carry on and pretend I insisted out of courtesy then," she says, beaming as she spreads a generous quantity of the fruit jelly over her toast. You smirk, your shitty mood improving at least a little at her smile and the rich smell of fresh coffee, and a chime soon tells you your cup is ready. Kanaya's sass is a universal constant, and one you're grateful for at that. You take a long sip of coffee, and although it's a little dull and burnt, it helps anyway, jogging the numbness under your skin. You do your best to pretend not to notice Kanaya's pensive glance upon you: you have one eye burnt out and the other ghastly blank, which helps in not giving away too much, but Kanaya is alive, her bright eyes tinted a clear jade colour. Well, as alive as a rainbow drinker can be. You can tell there's something she wants to say or ask, but she's leaving it up to you, and it feels weird. She's one of those few people you could be naked with and you wouldn't care, without any embarrassment or attraction either, just like with Karkat. Because, in a way, you're always naked to someone who knows you that well. When she clears her throat, you already know what she's getting at, and you don't like it.

"Have you had the time to think about..."

"Don't worry, I'm going to bring you my stuff in a couple hours at most," you cut her off abruptly, trying to sound enthusiastic and probably looking all the more suspicious for it, at least judging from her eyebrows arching up at your words.

"Oh, that's going to be helpful. But I was talking about your... future arrangements, if you had any," she says, attempting an encouraging smile, and you know she's talking about the new hives, of course you know, you knew all along, and of course you have no idea what to tell her because that's closely knitted to your big fat screwup of a red quadrant, which is precisely why she's being so cautious. It's not like she wants to peek into your business, but the hives are going to be her job and Jade's and you have to let her know where you're going to sleep and drop your stuff at the very least... and you have no idea what to do about it, apart from intently looking into your coffee and trying to do your best impression of having no idea what the big deal is. And likely failing spectacularly. Boy are you awkward today.

"Ah, that," you mumble, but luckily for you, right in that moment the transportalizer at the center of the room makes that weird _fwoosh_ sound that's way too reminiscent of a load gaper flushing for your tastes, and none other than Vriska fucking Serket enters the room with a sort of howling sound that you can't tell if it's a greeting with way too many extra vowels or just a mighty yawn, judging from the way she's stretching into all her already impressive height. The word "lawnjumper" comes to your mind.

"Oh dear," Kanaya says, turning to face the new arrival.

**> Sollux: abscond.**

As soon as Kanaya turns around, you gulp the rest of your coffee in one go, mumble "I'll let you know, KN" and aptly sprint towards the transportalizer just as Vriska descends on the grubsauce toasts like a carrionbeast. Nice abscond!

What will you do now?

**> Sollux: keep yourself busy.**

That will be no trouble. It's not like you haven't been slacking off on your duties lately, you duties mostly being gathering up what you can donate to maximize the group's grist reserves.

First of all, you take a quick trip to the ablution sprinklers, or showers as the humans call them. The showers are common, but since there are many bathing blocks, it's actually rare to cross anybody else, which is perfectly fine with you. You scrub yourself raw, then you hit your room and lose yourself into work. You don't have much of value to turn into grist, apart from your rad throwing stars, old stashes of comic books and a couple of figurines from the _Threshecutioner's Creed_ series that as neat as they are, you had honestly gotten more to rub it all in Karkat's face than anything else. Your bees and game grubs did not survive the Vast Glub and the trip into the medium, so after over 2 sweeps away from Alternia you were basically left with a lot of dead things you had to dispose of quickly and a room full of crystallized mind honey mainframes. That's the thing about mind honey: apart from being a psychic poison, it has to be fluid to work as a computing medium. As soon as it crystallizes it becomes more or less useless, unless you melt it again with psychic energy, but the shape distortions induced by crystallization are hardly recovered when there are no bees to work on it, so it stays defective. Hence why you set on a rather daunting task: completely rebuild your server room and your data systems using silicon-based technology, so you could discard your beehive mainframes and accessories for grist. It's been a long and challenging job, and also pretty close to your very personal idea of fun, which doesn't hurt. You even got sort of friends with Roxy and Dirk, more experienced than you with that sort of technology, two people you actually enjoy working with, although hanging out with humans that up close still makes you notice now and then how weird they look, with their variety of skin and hair colours. Roxy's hair is so light it's almost snowy white, her skin ghastly pale, the colour of eggshells, while Dirk's gravity-defying hair has more of a golden shine, and his skin is a tad darker, reminding you of sand - although far from being as dark as Jane's chestnut or Jake's straight-out bronze-coloured skin. You like them because they're used to work in silence like you are, something to do with having grown up alone probably, and you don't mind the occasional deadpan comment from Dirk or snarky needling from Roxy as long as they allow you your terrible programming puns, which they're probably the only ones to get (it still doesn't mean they're not terrible, but who cares). Right now, though, you're not in the right state of mind to hang out with someone else and you've made progress enough that you won't really need help today, so you set out to work alone.

You don't really notice time flying by as you work in total isolation, but by four hours, you've made enough progress that the new servers can now run on their own (badly and slowly, but you can improve them) and you don't need your old beehive mainframes as a model anymore. Unfortunately, the dizziness behind your eyes and the piercing migraine blooming at the back of your skull are pretty fat hints that you've overexerted yourself, and as soon as you're not focused on work anymore, the weight of your responsibilities hits you back like a loaded spring. You have managed to avoid the girls for about 4 hours, and apart from fulfilling part of your promise to Kanaya, you have accomplished nothing. You really are a useless piece of shit, aren't you? If you're lucky, the girls will realize it soon enough and leave you alone, sparing you a cruel conundrum. That's probably the best you can hope for, really.

You groan, rubbing at your aching and partially nonexistant eyes. Sure, you keep on beating yourself up. That's going to be useful. Maybe if you keep at it the migraine will split you open and create two of you. You can't think straight like this, you need to get some fresh air.

Air, or whatever imaginary breathable atmosphere Skaia's made of, that is.

**> Sollux: rise up.**

You leave the room and quickly dart through the meteor tunnels towards the winding stairs leading to the roof, luckily without running into anybody in the process. On the roof, you collapse on the nearest suitable rocky outcrop and breathe into the inky nothingness flowing around the meteor. You have no idea if it's just dust from the meteor or if Skaia itself has its own smell, but it's a good smell either way, reminding you of salt spray, damp earth, ozone and more things that don't really make sense. It's new and yet familiar, the smell of pure, infinite potentiality, something unknown and promising. You wish you could just believe it, although the fact that your headache is subsiding is a bit of good news in itself.

You're not sure how much time you spend up there, breathing deeply and trying not to think too much, but you're almost dozing off when you hear soft steps up the stairs behind you. Somehow you already know who that is.

Aradia's warm fingers slide between yours, and you shiver, but hold her back. She's on your blind side, which helps you to avoid looking at her.

"Are you ok?" she whispers. She doesn't ask where the heck you were all day, she doesn't ask what you were doing, why you were hiding, because it's already pretty much undeniable that you were. You swallow, shrugging.

"Headache."

"You should've told me," she whispers, and as her fingers leave yours, you know exactly what she's going to do. As well as you know that you should stop her before it's too late, but you don't.

She leans behind you and wraps her fingers over your head, rubbing at your scalp in slow circles, and your knees nearly give in for a moment. Her warmth alone is enough to make you feel better, and her expert touch kneads the pain away, leaving only elation and closeness in its place. God, she used to do it all the time back when you were kids, before the Game turned your life inside out, and you loved that. And you still love it.

You love Aradia Megido, and you love Feferi Peixes, and you're going to go insane.

You're grateful that you can't see her face as you recoil from her touch.

"I'm fine, AA."

You can feel her silence crushing you. You can feel how she holds her breath. You don't need to turn around to feel her eyes upon you, and you wish you could just disappear. You wish you didn't have to be so twisted and disgusting to hurt your loved ones to protect your deepest fears. You're about to add something to try to save face, when she sighs.

"Ok. I can leave you alone if you want."

She sounds so calm it's maddening, and it's like only now you remember how to move. You reach out, not really knowing what you're doing, and as you find her arm she does not recoil.

"No, AA, I... I'm sorry."

You tug awkwardly at her sleeve, turning towards her yet still avoiding her stare, and she seems to understand what you're going for, drawing you close. You wrap your arms around her and sigh without a sound, hiding your face in the crook of her neck, and she holds you back after a moment's hesitation. You breathe in her warmth and curse yourself for having grown in height since the Game, not much, really, but enough to be noticeably taller than her. Everything you want right now is go back to being that twiggy little kid still not as tall as the girls, and bury yourself in the welcoming, maddening heat of her body. Aradia always had a rounded build, but the girl you knew has grown into a young woman, and the feeling of her soft, full curves against your body makes your fingers tingle. You wish you could just let go and caress her, without second thoughts or regrets or complications, simply because you love her and that's what lovers do, they want to be close and discover each other.

"It's ok," she whispers, rubbing softly at the nape of your neck, and you shiver against her, holding her tighter. "You're shaking. Want to go back and rest a while?"

You take a couple of deep breaths. _Say yes_ , tells you the jerk in your head. _Say yes, so you can go back to balance and paralysis and not risk to ruin anything, say yes so it can start all over again when you wake up._ The voice keeps telling you to say yes and you know that you should. But you shake your head. You cannot go to sleep and that's not what you want.

"Give me a moment. I need..."

Your voice dies in your throat and you swallow. You don't know how the sentence ends. There is no appropriate way to express what you need right now, or maybe there is, but you're just too scared. You've never been any good with words. She stiffens in your arms and you can tell she's trying to shift to look at you, and you don't want her to, so you try to turn away, still holding her close. She runs a hand through your hair, her warm breathing caressing your neck.

"What?" she whispers, and as her nose brushes your skin for a moment, your hands move as if on their own accord. Tentatively you slide up, finding her shoulder, her hair, her cheek. She squeezes your hand with hers, but does not push it away. _Say nothing_ , tells you the voice in your head. _Say nothing, so you can go back to sleep and start it all over again._ You know you should just obey and say it's nothing, but you can't. You can't turn back now. You know how the sentence ends.

"You."

You have no idea how you've said it exactly because you didn't really hear the sound over your blood pusher thrumming in your ears. Your hand slides to cup her chin, your thumb brushes over her lips, full and soft and heart-shaped, and this is where you'd expect her to pull away, but she does not. This is where you should listen to the voice screaming in your head and pull away, first and foremost, but you don't. What you do, instead, your eyes squeezed shut, is turn back towards her until you can taste her breath on your lips. And right then, right when you perfectly know you shouldn't, is when you kiss her.

You'd expect her to pull away, now more than ever. You'd expect her to reject you, or outright slap you, or at least stop you and demand to know what the fuck is up with you. But she does not. You can feel her surprise as you first press your lips to hers, but soon her hand wraps around the back of your neck and she relaxes completely against you. Slowly, gently your lips meet in light, soft kisses, neither daring nor asking too much, and soon your breathing breaks in your throat because even this feels like too much, because you know her, you know these soft, welcoming lips and you'd love to part them and taste the breathtaking heat inside, but you can't. You can't because no, this isn't right, this isn't working, you fucked up. You fucked up big time. You pull away first, hiding your face in her hair again, your hands trembling on her shoulders.

"I'm sorry," you can barely whisper, "I'm so fucking sorry, AA."

"What? Why are you sorry for this?" she says, running her hands through your hair, and she almost sounds incredulous. You have no idea why she hasn't punched you yet.

"Because I'm an asshole. Because... I care so much about you, and I care so much about FF, and I'm hurting you both like this."

You swallow. You said it. You didn't even think it was possible, but you said it, and it was really that simple in the end. Now you have no way to hide from the truth. You'd expect her to let you go now, but she does not. What she does, instead, is say something you never expected.

"I know, Sollux."

You let out a little gasp, and now you really can't avoid slightly recoiling to look at her. She knows, and now she's looking at you with a peaceful, curious stare and a smile, of all things. She's known all along and she doesn't seem to hate you for it in a very non-caliginous way for some obscure reason.

"What?" you say, with a much higher pitch than you meant to.

She chuckles softly in reply.

"I know you, Sollux. You really thought I wouldn't figure it out?" Embarrassment mixes with shame at her carefree tone, and judging from the warmth around your face, you think you're blushing. You still don't understand how she can be so calm and cheerful about this.

"And... why do you talk like you're ok with it or something?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I am?" She shrugs, and she cups your face, leading you to lay your brow against her. "Sollux, listen. We have a whole new world ahead of us, a whole new life to build. Do you think I even care about quadrants and definitions in this situation? I care much more about you, and about Feferi. You're both very dear to me, and really... it doesn't bother me that you care about her the same way as long as you're both happy."

You try to clear your throat and fail. Your face is tingling under the warmth of her hands, and you have to try a few times before you can speak. She can't be really suggesting what you think she is, right? Yet it seems exactly like she is.

"Still, it... doesn't seem fair."

"It's only unfair when someone is unhappy," she says, caressing your face. "Why don't we go talk to Feferi? She's been looking for you all over the place."

You frown at a brief pang of guilt -how many hours have you managed to hide? Four or five? How much of an asshole are you exactly?- but when Aradia loops her arm through yours to lead you back downstairs, you can't help but follow her. You've done enough running away for today, and there's no place for you to hide now. The meowbeast is out of the bag, assuming it ever went there in the first place, because seriously: Aradia knows, and it's clear Feferi knows too, and you have no idea how you thought you could hide from them and avoid the issue any longer. You're pretty sure it's painfully and embarrassingly obvious even for outsiders, why wouldn't it be for the two of them? Especially considering they're friends, and they spend a lot of time together, and it's not like they need your permission to hang out. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

You find Feferi near the door to her room, and she cheerfully skips up to meet you as soon as she sees the two of you, holding a blue package.

"There you are!" Feferi says, locking your other arm with hers, and she holds up the box. "I got us some munchies."

You feel dizzy and a bitter taste condenses in your throat, but you still follow them inside and sit down with them, crosslegged, on the carpet. Feferi opens the box, revealing three cup-sized cakes topped with little swirls of brown and milky-white cream. They're so cute it looks like a sin to eat them, especially one of them, which has both colours of the cream joined in the same swirl and makes your meal sack growl embarrassingly.

"Whale, you'd betta eat before you crumble to pieces!" Feferi chuckles, taking one of the tiny cakes for herself. "They're delicious! Jane made them, I have to ask her to teach me."

Aradia takes another cake, leaving -predictably- the one with two colours for you. Some part of you almost finds it symbolic, poetic even, and some other part only thinks it's ridiculously cheesy that you're here trying to read deeper meanings in cakes of all things, as if your life as a whole wasn't enough of a corny joke of paradox space yet.

 _You don't deserve this_ , the jerk inside of you keeps saying. _You don't deserve them. Look at you, desperate to find excuses for stalling. You're better off alone, you should just let them be before you screw up things any worse._

**> Sollux: oh for fuck's sake will you just grow a backbone and talk.**

Ok, guess what? Point taken. Even annoying and possibly hypothetical narrating voices are better sources of advice than your inner jerk, after all, and there's nowhere you can hide now. So you do just that. You just can't help it.

It doesn't come out right at first: you've never been good at this whole "talking about feelings" deal, and you've never enjoyed it. After a couple of confused, bumbling attempts, Aradia takes your hand and says "tell us what you told me", and you take a big breath.

"I love you. The both of you."

That's what does it. Your voice is shaking stupidly and your face feels hot, but you've said it, you've really said it, and now you don't think you can say anything more. But is there anything else you should say, after all? You still can't look at them, you just keep looking at the stupid little cake left alone in the box, but as Feferi wraps an arm around your waist and Aradia drapes hers around your shoulders, and you find yourself there, cradled between them, a lanky mess of bones and nerves in their hold of cold and heat, softness and strength, you don't pull away. You could never pull away.

"It's ok, silly," Feferi whispers, and you see her looking for Aradia's hand in your lap, holding it tight. "We love you too."

For a moment, for just a moment it feels like too much. Your throat clenches shut and your blood pusher tries to jump out of your ribcage, your eyes stinging with a kind of overwhelmed, desperate need that's almost physically painful, that you can't even name. You move without really knowing what you're doing, lacing hands with both of them and holding tight, tight as if you were going to fall and lose yourself into the infinite nothingness outside.

When Feferi pecks you gently on the cheek, you don't stop to think or beat yourself up on how messed up you are. You just turn your head slightly to meet her lips, colder than yours and yet so soft and gentle, almost shy, just as overwhelmed as you are. Only then you dare opening your eyes again and looking at her, and you're relieved to find her smiling and flushed a lovely shade of fuchsia. Then Aradia's warm fingers stroke the back of your head, and as you turn to face her you have time to see her smile in turn before you kiss her, still holding both of them close to you, and it's in that touch, right then that it finally clicks, that for the first time you accept that yes, this is it, you're really here with them, you're all together. It's really happening.

And that's ok.

You talk more during the rest of the day, about yourselves, and what you are feeling, and how to make this work. You want them to know they should consider themselves free, in case they ever wanted to see someone else, and that you need them to tell you if you get something wrong. You talk, and you cuddle, and you kiss again, although it's shy and tentative because you're still figuring this out, because you don't know yet where boundaries begin for each of you. But what you do know, while you're here, munching on Jane's delicious cupcakes -you have to find out how the hell she makes these cream thingies because seriously, you need to alchemize like a fuckton of each as soon as possible-, with your arm around Feferi's waist and your head in Aradia's lap, and you start talking about the new planet and where you're all going to live - is that Kanaya's earlier question finally has an answer. Because you were never one to plan much about your life, as sure it would be horrible and tragic as you had always been, but if there's anyone you want to spend the rest of what life you will be allowed with, well, it's the two amazing trolls you're curled up right between.

Sure, it's not going to be easy. Your inner jerk is still there, between your ears, shaming you and ranting over how you don't deserve them, and the million ways you're going to screw this up and become even more of an embarrassment on the face of paradox space, and you doubt he's going to shut up any soon. But right here and now, you realize this is not what matters, this isn't how it works. This is not about you and your horrible flaws: it is about you, Aradia and Feferi, about what the three of you need, and what the three of you can do to keep each other happy.

It's going to be worth it, and this is all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kanaya loves apricot jam, and Jane baked coconut cupcakes with 2 types of Nutella frosting. Yum!


	8. > Eridan: Back to the present (yes, again)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _You gave me the chance_  
>  _Time and again, in vain_  
>  _Now my feelings for you_  
>  _Every tear_  
>  _Every smile_  
>  _Paid in full_  
>  \- ["Paid In Full", Sonata Arctica](www.youtube.com/watch?v=AI0GA7-iQTs)

**> Sollux: again with the mushy stuff. Accelerate**.

You can't accelerate yet! Some stuff still has to happen.

**> Sollux: make stuff happen.**

Sollux has had enough of your sass to last him several days and is currently much too focused on the newfound balance in his flushed quadrant to listen to you. Also, he thinks he made enough stuff happen for today by facing his fears with the girls, so it looks like you're going to have to try to be someone else if you want this to get somewhere.

**> Sollux: let's check out how hipsterdork is doing.**

Careful. A hypothetical reader of embarrassingly self-indulgent narratives might have gotten the impression you actually wanted this to get somewhere. Are you really, really sure you want to be Eridan again?

**> Sollux: point taken, but at least it will be a break from the mushy stuff. Be Eridan at your own risk.**

You are now Eridan Ampora again, you are still dead, and you are back to the aforementioned hypothetical narrative present you won't be devoting too much thought to - especially because it's not like it ever stopped being the present from your perspective, so it doesn't really make any sense to think about it. Against your better judgement, but under encouragement from Karkat, the closest you have to a friend right now as well as your lifelong palecrush, you have just entered the common room on the meteor, with the aim to stop avoiding Feferi now that you know she's been looking for you, and hopefully not look too pathetic or desperate for attention in the process.

This is in theory. In practice, yes, you do want to make an effort but really, really hope she's gone by the time you get there, so you can say it's not your fault and Karkat will cut you some slack. You just know you'll end up looking exactly as pathetic and desperate as you actually are if she finds you.

Of course, considering how the narrative universe loves you, she's still there.

What will you do?

**> Eridan: don't panic.**

You're not panicking. Nope. Not at all. Everything under control here.

Ok, maybe just a bit. Maybe your palms are sweating, your blood pusher is thumping and you've started looking for possible escape routes like a hunted animal, but at least you haven't flat out left yet, which is something. After all, she's sitting at a far-off table animatedly chatting with one of the dark-skinned humans, you think her name's Jane, and she hasn't noticed you yet. Maybe if you do your best impression of not having noticed her in turn she'll stay immersed in her very interesting conversation and you'll be able to walk out of this with a semblance of dignity.

Well. You suppose if you didn't want to be noticed you should have stopped with this whole cape-and-scarf-and-striped-pants-and-jewelry deal long ago. Entering the room, you feel more overdressed than ever, but your clothes are the few things you're left that you actually like about yourself, so you doubt you're going to discard them soon. You resort to waiting awkwardly next to Karkat for your food to be ready while trying to look completely immersed in the incredibly interesting oven operating procedure Kanaya dutifully typed out for all to see. Like, whoa. That's some dedicated shit. Who even writes a step by step procedure for a fucking oven? It makes no sense. It was kind of her to do it though, especially since most native technology on the meteor is a tad obscure. Now and then you sneak glances around the common room. On the biggest table, Kanaya and Jade are taking notes on a husktop while discussing something with Sollux and Aradia, who are - what. Are they holding hands? What is this, poster wigglers for moirallegiance day? Ew. Embarrassing. On a far off table, Feferi is still chatting with Jane. Good. The oven goes ding, finally! You and Karkat dive down on the grubsauce toasts like carrionbeasts, and as soon as you look up, Feferi is in front of you.

**> Eridan: HOLY SHIT.**

You very narrowly avoid gasping or jumping or some other undignified display of dread, uh, no you mean surprise, yes! Surprise is the word. You manage mostly because your knees almost give in and your blood pusher thumps so loud that you're very nearly paralized as you cross her glance. If she notices, she doesn't seem to care and flashes you a smile with way too many sharp fangs. Just to improve your already pathetic display of uselessness, you gulp, flushing, unable to take your stare off her face. You have no idea how she manages to be so adorable and utterly terrifying at the same time.

"Hi guys!" she says after what feels to you like an endless silence (actually it's more or less 2,5 seconds).

"Hello," you manage to say in a squeaky breath. More or less.

"Hi Feferi. Hungry?" Karkat says through a mouthful of toast, gesturing to the tray. It's an unwritten rule that whoever makes the toasts will prepare the whole tray and not be a jerk about sharing with whoever's in the room (actually scratch that, it's a written rule. It's right there in Kanaya's procedure). Feferi shakes her head.

"No thanks! I'm just waiting for coffee," she says, and just like that, the other machine goes ding. "There it is! Do you guys want some?"

"I'd say yes, but I just had some and Kanaya's keeping an eye over me," Karkat says, shrugging. "She says if I get too much coffee I might turn into a blood pressure volcano or something like that. Speaking of which, I should really check out on my hive plans with her before she turns it into Troll Edward Cullen's hideout when I'm not looking, so see you around."

Just before joining Kanaya at the table, he gives you a subtle yet unmistakable elbow jab, and just like that, you're on your own.

Daaaaaaaamn.

"You, Eridan?" Feferi says, holding up an empty cup, and it takes you a moment to get what she's asking.

**> Eridan: breathe before you explode.**

Okay. You can do this. What did Karkat say? One little thing at a time. You take a deep breath, you focus on the rather nondescript empty cup instead of her face as if it were incredibly intriguing, and you nod.

"Yes, uh... thanks," you manage to mumble as she pours the coffee in her cup and yours, then fumbles under the counter for two small spoons and the sugar jar.

"Two, right?" she asks, filling one of the teaspoons with sugar, and after a moment of surprise, you nod. She still remembers how you used to take your coffee, and it almost makes you want to smile. She pours two teaspoons in your coffee and one in hers, and for a few moments you just stand there in silence, each one mixing the sugar in without looking at each other. You think of when you were wigglers together, back when you glubbed at each other and ate raw squid together and you didn't care about silence, because you didn't really need words. It feels like a whole other life ago, and somehow it really is. Her ghost form is still wearing her childhood clothes, like yours, and they look so out of place on her now that she's grown so tall and leggy, strong like a swimmer, graceful like the princess she's always been.

You sneak a glance to the other table. Jade is discussing something with Jane and Aradia, while Karkat seems to be on one of his rants and Sollux and Kanaya apparently teamed up to bury him in snark. This is probably paradox space compensating him for leaving you on your own, although to you it would be a prize more than a punishment (people snarking at you at least would mean you have friends). You sneak a glance to Feferi and you catch her looking at you, to which you flush, but manage to look away abruptly. She clears her throat.

"Whale! We look like codfishes standing here guarding food. Why don't we sit down a little?" she says. You gulp. The transportalizer looks like a very tempting target at the moment, but you're sure Karkat will never let you live it down if you end up absconding now, and you really want to make an effort with her and find out what she wants, so you nod.

"Ok," you say, then follow her to the table, and you're glad you have your coffee and toast to fidget with instead of just having to stare awkwardly into empty space. Luckily for you, Feferi doesn't leave you much time to stall.

"You know, I'm glad I found you because I've been looking for you, actually!" she says, and you try to act totally surprised, but she doesn't notice. She turns slightly to fumble with her silladex. "Guess what I found while I was going through my stuff for Kanaya?"

You cock your head on a side, confused, but then she produces nothing other than your precious seadwellers' edition of _the Lord of the Deeps_ , and your eyes go wide. She hands it to you with a smile, and hesitantly you take it, running your fingers over the familiar lines of the elegant carvings on the cover. One of your favourite books ever, and one you have so many fond memories attached to. Yes, of course you also have the cheaper, more practical paperback edition in three volumes, but this is the seadwellers' edition, with illustrations, author's notes and historical details. The last time you had seen it was when you had lent it to her before the Game.

"I had completely forgotten about it," you manage to say, still turning the book in your hands and staring at it in marvel. "So... you read it?"

You look up at her hesitantly, but as she evades your gaze, fidgeting with her hair, you have a feeling you already know the answer.

"Whale! Actually I started it a couple of times, but it's way too slow for me. I'm shore it's a great book and all..."

You can't help but cringe at that. Her condescension has always been that little thing about her that grates on your nerves, no matter how much you like her.

"It's not like you _have_ to say you like it, you know?"

Her frown as she turns back to you clearly tells you your irritation got through way too clearly, and you swallow. Damn. The one time you get to have some sort of conversation with her you have to fall back into your old patterns and ruin everything.

"Oh come on, I was just trying to say it's a great book if you're into the whole historical epic genre!" She shrugs, her smile renewing, and you relax a little, glad to see she isn't making a huge deal of your slip-up. "You like it, I know Aradia loves it, so I guess it's cool."

You're taken aback for a moment at that. You had barely interacted with the rustblood before, apart from strictly gameplay related exchanges, and you had no idea what her interests were.

"Oh. She does?"

Feferi smiles and nods, and you can see the fondness in her gaze as she looks for her friend. Following her gaze, you notice Aradia and the ever inseparable Sollux have moved to the food counter. He leans in to whisper something in her ear and she snickers, berating him with something like "you're so stupid", and you're not sure why, but something about that scene, joined with the affectionate way Feferi looks at them, makes you uncomfortable.

"She does!" she says, turning to you again. "You should ask her about it... uh, if you want, I mean," she adds as soon as she notices your puzzled stare. "But it's just not my fin, that's all. I wanted to return it to you in any case, because it's not fair to keep it if I'm not even going to read it. It was reely fun when we went to sea the movie though, I think I'm going to watch it again soon! And what is that face?" she asks when your eyebrows sprint up in bewilderment. You clear your throat and try to find a way to say this without sounding like an asshole (you know, like before).

"Well it's just... I seem to remember you fell asleep near the end," you say, and she rolls her eyes but to your relief, she smirks. You carefully avoid mentioning that you didn't really mind, seeing as she fell asleep on your shoulder.

"Whale, because the ending dragged on and on, of course! And you spent like half of the time beaching in my earfin about historical inaccuracies, for that matter."

You snort, crossing your arms on your chest.

"But that's because that movie gets half of the background wrong, of course! Hence why I told you to read the book."

"Whale, maybe that's why I haven't read it! Ever thought of THAT?" She waves her arms about, but to your surprise, there's no real irritation in the roll of her eyes, and no condescension in her smile. She chuckles softly and leans back on the chair, shaking her head, a hint of sadness in the wrinkle between her eyebrows.

"Oh my glub... we were never a good match in the first place, were we? Why the hell did we think it was a good idea?"

You lower your glance. You can't bear to look at her, not now, even if the corners of your lips would like to bend up at what little good memories you share from your time together. In the end, you shrug.

"We were kids. Kids do stupid things sometimes."

As well as horrible things. Cold explodes in your chest at the memories that haunted your dream bubble for sweeps, and you clench your fists, claws digging in your palms. What the hell do you think you're doing, why did you come here, this was a terrible, terrible idea, you should just get up and leave, you know you should because nothing good is going to come out of this... but as her fingers, cold and electric, wrap around your clenched fists, you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding, and you don't move. You still can't look at her.

"Eridan, listen... I've been wanting to talk to you for a while. And I've been putting it off because... well, I wasn't really sure what there was to talk about exactly. I just wanted to... step in and do the right thing, you know? But someone told me that sometimes I go too far and try to _fix_ people... and that's just not right. People are not things."

You have a moment to wonder what she's getting at exactly, when out of the corner of your eyes you see her wave a greeting to Aradia and Sollux, who shortly disappear together through the transportalizer. Again you get that weird, uncomfortable feeling, and you have no idea where it's coming from.

"Eridan, the thing is... there's a whole new world waiting for us, this time for real. We can all have the prize the Game stripped away from us, and as for all the terrible crap that happened... we can leave it all behind and start over."

You have to take a few deep breaths and let them go before you manage to speak.

"I don't think it's gonna be that simple, Fef."

She sighs, and squeezes your hands. You'd like to open your fists and return her hold, but you can't move.

"I know, but... you don't have to do it alone."

Your eyes go wide, and this time you do look at her. She doesn't escape your stare, a hopeful smile on her lips. There's a million questions you'd like to ask, and you can't help but start from the one you've asked yourself all along.

"Fef, what... do you want from me?"

You know this wasn't the best way to phrase it, but her smile does not falter, and she just closes her eyes for a moment at your words. As if she were expecting exactly this.

"Nothing, Eridan. For real. It's just that I've been thinking about what I want for myself, in this new life... and I need you to know that if you wanted to be a part of it too, you'd be welcome. But really... this is me, and I don't know what you want. You will have to decide for yourself." She squeezes your hands one last time before standing up. "I should really get back to work with Kanaya for our new hive. Eridan, I'm not going to ask anything out of you, but just... think about it, ok?"

You gulp, still feeling dizzy, and you nod. She smiles at you and gives you a light pat on the shoulder before joining Jade and Kanaya at their table. You're left alone at the table, staring at your seadweller's edition of _The Lord of the Deeps_ , your half finished grubsauce toast and your shaking hands, bearing faint violet imprints where your claws dug in. You try to remember her cold, silky skin as she cradled your hands in hers, try to imagine how it would be to have the courage to hold them back - and hate yourself for even thinking of that, because you clearly don't deserve it. You're not sure what just happened exactly, and how you should react to it. But you know something has changed.

Why is she giving you a chance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any formatting errors! I'll correct those tomorrow, it's night as I'm posting this.
> 
> I'm aware this chapter comes after a long hiatus. But I've found that tumblr and close immersion in fandom are not good for my health, so I'm slowly trying to find a way that works for me again. Thanks for reading, even if you don't comment. It means a lot :)


	9. INTERMISSION I: Sollux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _So I'm taking every chance I got_  
>  _Like the man I know I'm not_  
>  \- ["Turn off the lights", Panic! at the Disco](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-4Pey1squE)

**> Eridan: ok, that's quite enough not-mushy stuff for now. Be Sollux** **again** **.**

You are once again Sollux Captor, and since stuff has happened in the previous chapter, you have finally unlocked the "accelerate" command. Actually, it looks like for the inscrutable laws of weird pacing and cheesy narratives, you are only allowed this command at the moment.

 **>** **Sollux** **:** **accelerate** **.**

Days and nights roll away and blend together, with nothing but your hectic sleep schedule to mark their passage. You wake up in the plush pile Feferi set up in her room, between arms and tangles of wild hair, you shower, then it's off either to the servers, your computer lab or the common room. You find out Jane makes a big deal of hearing everybody's opinion on her cupcakes, and has you and the girls test several recipes, only for you to conclude that the version with the two types of topping blended together is by all means the best (to the surprise of absolutely no one). You keep working on your new hive with Jade and Kanaya, and on your server project. Roxy and Dirk team up now and then to try and hack through your network, or leave you fun little challenges and traps for you to crack - and sometimes you think you haven't had this fun in sweeps, but you're still the best (most of the time).

You're not sure how much time you spend on the meteor exactly, but you know one thing: you are one damn lucky motherfucker.

* * *

It feels weird at first, to realize that this is really happening to you of all people, and that you don't have to suppress or be ashamed of your feelings anymore. Weird does not make it any less awesome though - or terrifying, for that matter. Your inner jerk is always there, ready to remind you how you're surely going to screw this up - especially because your mood swings are going to come back sooner or later, remember? And how are you going to protect your relationships from that? - but for now, you're way too happy to worry about anything else than making the best of what time you will be allowed with your girls.

You start seeing Eridan around more often, and it really says something about your good mood that not even this can ruin it. You almost like his stupid hair. You almost like it so much that you start cracking up stupid jokes about it to make the girls laugh. Does he look more like a quillbeast or a tropical squawkbeast? Or is he just a rare specimen of douchebeast? Did he stick his bulge in a power plug to get his hair like that? Is it some kind of seadweller kink? And so on and so forth. You're sure the girls laugh more because you're being dumb than a comedic genius, but you don't care. You just love making them laugh, and if things are really going fine for once, you're going to take every chance you get.

(And by the way, you are motherfucking hilarious.)

* * *

You know your body. You're pretty much aware your skinny, shapeless frame, your pointy face and your big mouth and your fucked up fangs - that all of this does not make you a likely candidate for Alternia's Next Top Model, unless the job included playing a part in one of those dumb casteist pornos in which the ugly psychic freak finally learns his place at the feet of his highblood kismesis (and gets fucked into oblivion in the process). You don't really give a shit, unless you're in one of your all-time-low periods in which everything looks and feels disgusting and you see nothing wrong in lying in your own filth all night until oblivion comes. You are Sollux fucking Captor, and you're hot shit, screw the haters. When puberty kicked in, you wasted no time and did what most hormonal 5 sweepers were doing: stick your hand between your legs and start figuring out ways to avoid staining your clothes. You watched enough porn to learn more about your anatomy than what your schoolfeeds covered, including what you like, what gets you off fast and where your limits are.

(It is interesting to note that while you've seen your share of trolls pailing, you still have no idea what a pailing pile looks like. Trolls in pornos usually fuck in weird places and just happen to have a pail lying nearby for obscure reasons.)

Facing all of this with someone else, however, is a whole other bag of tricks.

You discover in time that while you know your own body quite well, you have a lot to learn about your partners - but you don't really mind. You're in no hurry. You learn that both of your girls' beautiful hair has a tendency to get stuck under your hands or elbows, or otherwise really complicate maneuvers. You learn that awkward breast groping can easily become boring or unpleasant if you're not focused on what you're doing. You learn Aradia's voluptuous curves and the way they seem to be made to fill your hands, the way she feels soft and welcoming like warm silk - and you learn how completely different Feferi feels, cold and electric, toned and slender, her skin so smooth your kisses seem to slide off. You learn that Aradia makes such lovely little noises when you kiss her neck or her earlobe, and that you have to be careful if you want to nibble at her tender skin, because your hideous fangs can just as easily hurt her inadvertently - as you discover one time that she yelps and jolts so suddenly that she almost knees you in the bulge. You learn Feferi's fangs are sharper than yours, and there's actually two rows of them, and she apologizes way too much one time that she accidentally pricks a couple blood droplets from the tip of your tongue while you're kissing on her plush pile (you don't really think it's a big deal, and drown her in dumb rainbow drinker jokes until she laughs).

And eventually, you also learn something that you weren't quite expecting. You learn that sex and intimacy are not really about physical pleasure.

* * *

When it happens, you'd like to say it's because you carefully planned for it and ensured everything went smoothly, but the truth is that you don't quite realize what's changed until it hits you right between the eyes.

The night starts like any other, with you and Aradia curled up together on the old couch in her block, a documentary on gem mining playing on her laptop. Cuddling turns to kisses, your hands slipping up under her hoodie, her fingers lost in your hair, playing with your horns. At some point both of your shirts and her bra end up forgotten on the floor, and you find yourself cradling her in your lap, drunk with her warmth and taste, her tongue in your mouth, her hips slowly, tantalizingly grinding against yours. God, you've never felt her like this, so close and shaking in your arms, the soft swell of her breasts against your collarbone, and the way her voice breaks and flutters on your skin, the little needy sounds she makes as you move together, trying to relish every bit of contact between your bodies, it all just takes your breath away. It doesn't last long, because soon you wince at the friction of clothing biting at your sensitive flesh, but then she breaks the kiss to look at you, wild eyed and ecstatic, licking her lips, and it dawns on you that you're not nearly as much in control as you'd like to imagine right now: she is in control, you are the prey, not the hunter. And boy do you like that thought. When her fingers gingerly slide down to unbuckle your pants, you flush right up to your ears and just comply, helping her to finish undressing next with embarrassingly shaking hands.

And it's right then, as you take in that sight of her for the first time, completely naked, all wild hair and inviting curves, a warm maroon blush spread over her cheeks, her petite bulge flushed in arousal - it's then that it fully hits you, what's going to happen and what's it all about. You've never been this exposed to someone else before, nobody's ever looked at the whole mess of bones and stringy veins that is your body, nobody's ever seen you so helplessly excited, your bulge slick and swollen and ready - nobody but her until now. You've never felt this awkward and vulnerable before, yet you want to be so completely exposed with her, because you love her, because you trust her. And realizing that she's here with you, that she's letting you see her like that, wanting you, trusting you the same way - this certainty is enough to make you hotter than all those times in front of TrollTube with a hand down your pants.

It's not about physical pleasure: you can get pleasure on your own just fine. It's about trust, and love, and consent.

She climbs back on the couch with you and takes your hands, leading you to lie down with her, and you shudder as you hold her in your arms, just skin against warmer skin, before your lips meet once more in breathless kisses. Her warm fingers wrap around your length, her thumb gingerly running along the sensitive crease in the middle, and you groan, your hand slipping between her legs to explore her in turn, rubbing at the base of her bulge, probing at her tender opening. She moans softly as you press a finger in, and it just feels so hot and slick inside of her, so inviting, so irresistable. Caresses grow eager and frantic, your breathings running short, the hold of her hand tight and delightful around you, two of your fingers pumping into her nook - until she stops you, and shifts slightly so you can lie over her, her legs wrapping around your hips, like an unspoken question.

You gulp and look at her, finding her eyes clouded and glistening, a dreamy smile on her lips. Somehow you've always thought Aradia was going to be your first, this precious rustblooded girl you've known all your life, and yet when that reality fully hits you, you're paralyzed - because you're going to be her first in turn. You've never felt so excited and so utterly terrified at the same time. You lick your lips. You think you should say something, you need to say something, but nothing makes quite sense right now. You can't think straight.

"Do you... are you sure?" you manage to mumble in the end, hoping she doesn't need you to elaborate further because your brain is apparently unavailable right now. She nods and smiles at you encouragingly, caressing your face. Your throat clenches shut, and you're not sure why such a simple gesture of affection is making you so emotional.

"I am... and you?" she whispers, her hand slipping down between the two of you to let your bulge slide against her entrance, and you have to close your eyes, keening softly, at that wonderful contact.

"Yeah," you breathe, much more shakingly than you meant to. "Fuck, I want you so much, AA..."

Going up and actually saying it out loud is enough to make your fingers tingle, and a warm blush spreads over her cheeks at your words.

"C'mere then," she says, wrapping her arms around your neck to draw you closer in a kiss.

Fuck. Now you're shaking. She's so close and deliciously hot and ready for you, and you're shaking from head to toe. Your bulge is doing that thing where it tries to curl on itself because you're overexcited, and it's not making things any easier - especially because, let's not forget it, you have no idea what you're doing. Turns out that watching porn does not qualify as useful experience when it actually comes to doing the do with another troll, which shouldn't really surprise you. You're terrified that you're going to hurt her, or disappoint her, or ruin the mood some other way. When you first enter her, it's nothing like you have imagined, and you bite down a moan, shivering all over as her heat seems to flow and burn under your own skin, through the slick, tight hold of her body. She arches sharply under you and you freeze, trying to shift to look at her in worry, but then her ankles pull you closer eagerly, and she lets out such a soft, shuddering moan against your neck that your eyes roll back. Good. Fucking. Lord. You don't quite think of what you're doing, you're not careful or collected or focused or anything else you figured you would be, you just start moving into her again, and again, following her rhythm, encouraged by the delightful clenching of her muscles and her little pleas and moans growing harder and louder. Fuck, the sound of her voice, you want to hear it again and again, you want to hear so much more, you want to make her scream and spill her climax over you. Your whole body feels like it's itching with sparks and you're close, you know you are, you know you won't last long, and you want to give her more. You know how good it feels to be penetrated and stroke your bulge at the same time, you've tried it so many times on yourself, and you slip your hand between the two of you to touch her, but it's not really like doing it to yourself, her bulge is just so tiny and slippery and you can't quite close your hand and tug like you would do with yours, the position is awkward and she's going stiff and tighter and tighter and so fucking good, and...

And you feel like

Just

Holy

 _Fuck_.

All your senses seem to shatter in a blinding shock of heat, and when they come back to you, you find yourself spent and limp, your face hidden in her hair, your release leaking between her thighs, and everything you can think of is fuck. Fuck fuck fuck this shit. You just knew you weren't going to last. Damn.

"Fuck, I'm sorry," you manage to say, reluctantly rising on shaking elbows to look at her, but she just smiles at you, shaking her head, and holds you close when you try to move.

"Shh, just... stay. Give me a moment, ok?" she whispers, her voice broken and shaking, and as her hips roll back at you again, and her hand slips between your bodies to rub at her own bulge, you can't help but obliging. You follow her movements, even as limp as you are, and just look at her as she pleasures herself, her eyes half closed in bliss, her fangs torturing her bottom lip, swallowing her pants and whimpers. God, she's just so beautiful like this, she knows herself so well, she doesn't even need you and yet still wants you to be with her, inside of her, to be a part of this. You put your hand over hers, following her movements, trying to learn how she does it. She's clenching so tight that you're almost going hard again, but you're too worn out and spent to do anything else but watch in delight as she throws her head back and cries out, her release spilling hot between your bodies. You ride out her orgasm with her, and only as she's done shaking you dare pull out with a shudder, lying down next to her to cuddle her close, listening to your mismatched heartbeats and breathings finding peace again. When you dare look down, you find maroon fluid practically everywhere, and the couch under you has definitely seen better days. But you have to admit, the fiery bronze hue staining her thighs just looks so perfect.

"Uh, I... think we just ruined your couch," you mumble, and she just snorts her lovely, soft, velvety laughter.

"I don't give a shit," she says, and pulls at your chin to draw you into a kiss.

* * *

You quickly learn the best thing to do to save clothes and furniture is just to lie down over a towel. Preferably a towel that you don't mind ruining or washing very frequently, and with hot water, because the smell quickly turns horrible. It's weird because towels are sorta gross and they chafe and you figure you're not the only one who routinely used them as a way to avoid stains while masturbating, back on Alternia. But oh well, they are practical. What do you care.

You learn a lot of other things. You learn Aradia's weak spots, you learn what she likes, you learn how to hold back and give her time. You learn when to be slow and careful and gentle, and you learn how rough you can get with her, if she wants you to.

You still have so much you want to learn.

* * *

For a while you worry about telling Feferi and how you should approach the topic. Talk about an awkward conversation. Hey FF, I just had the full sex with AA! Like, multiple times and in a variety of positions. Because I'm that awesome. I hope you don't mind! Want to try it sometime?

Yeah, no. Nope. Not gonna happen. You're just going to burst and disappear if you just as much open your mouth.

You briefly think maybe she already knows, since she and Aradia are so close and hang out a lot without you, they probably tell each other everything - before swallowing that thought down with shame because seriously, way to be self centered. You're sure they have much more interesting things to talk about than your bulge and how you use it, and that whole idea sounded suspiciously like one of those dorky, unlikely setups for threeway porn.

(You once saw this kinky one with quadrant mixing where some girl's kismesis talked about the sex stuff with her matesprit to get her riled up, and it ended up with the girl boinking both quadrants in the same sitting. You filed it away as "hot to fantasize about but way too weird to actually happen". Really, who wants to be seen get all sweet and loving with their matesprit in front of a kismesis? It would just ruin the mood. Weird weird weird.)

You're almost tempted to ask Karkat for some advice, but you know it wouldn't be a good idea to bring up your unconventional quadrant situation with someone so traditional (and hypocritical: it's not like quadrants ever worked that well with him either, after all). You're sure that he'd respect your choices in the end, he is your best buddy after all, but you're also sure he wouldn't be objective and there would be some arguing and you really don't feel like it.

One night you're curled up on Feferi's plush pile, cuddling her in your arms as you softly kiss at her neck gills, which makes her squirm and whimper so delightfully - when you hear her breathe deeply a couple of times in the crook of your neck. She makes a weird little noise in the back of her throat, like a few soft clicks (is she purring? That sort of sounded like purring), and her cold breath on your neck makes you shiver as she peppers your skin with excited kisses.

"You smell different... so good," she whispers, breathing in again.

You freeze. You tend to forget how seadwellers are basically a blink away from being a whole other species, and it still catches you off guard now and then to see just how different they are from your lowblood experience. You've heard stories about their prodigious sense of smell.

You were with Aradia earlier. You're probably still reeking of mating pheromones, and not only your own, even if you washed up.

You stop and bolt up to look at her, your face flushed.

"Um, FF, I should... tell you something. AA and me, we kinda did... well... _that_ _._ "

(Shit. You sound like a wiggler.)

Feferi turns bright fuchsia at that and her eyes go wide, her earfins fluttering.

"Oh! Well, I... that explains a lot! You do smell a bit like her too, now that I think of it..."

"Yeah, I guess so... um." You chuckle nervously, rubbing at the back of your neck. "Do you... I mean... you're ok with that?"

She cocks her head on a side, furrowing her brow, as if she didn't quite get where you're coming from, then she smiles, shrugging.

"Sure, don't worry! I sort of... figured it would happen, anyway." She caresses your hair, and leans in to kiss your lips softly. "I really like you, Sollux... I wish I could explain you why sometimes! I like kissing you, and being close to you, and... other things!" She chuckles, her claws gingerly tracing circles around your horns, and you shiver (you would purr at this point, if you could). "But... I don't think I'm quite ready to... go further, you know? I need some time to... think about stuff."

Her mouth takes a pouty, pensive curve, and even with her ghastly blank eyes you can see she's avoiding your glance. You have noticed she seems to have something on her mind lately, especially since she finally got to talk to Eridan about her idea of inviting him to live with the three of you on the new planet. The choice is up to him, but given how he's been avoiding almost everyone on the meteor, it remains to be seen whether he'll make a choice at all.

"Hey... you don't really have to give me a reason," you say, caressing her face. "We don't have to do anything if you don't feel like it. I just hope this is not about Douchescar and his shenanigans, because seriously, what a waste of neurons!"

"Don't make me laugh, stupid!" She giggles, just like you hoped she would, and you grin. "And no, it's not about that... I did what I could, now it's up to him to decide." She shrugs, furrowing her brow. "You're really sure that is ok with you?"

"We've already talked about this..." You shrug in turn, although you evade her glance. "I'm fine with it as long as you are, FF."

"Ok then," she says with a smile, leaning in to kiss you again, but you catch the hint of worry lingering in the lines of her brow, as you cuddle her closer and she takes her recently upgraded pink tablet, loading up what looks like a cute cartoon about clownfish.

You can imagine much better ideas than sharing a hive with Eridan Ampora of all people, but you have to admit, it's been sort of tolerable to have him around on the meteor, and not simply because his ridiculous hair and cape are endless sources of entertainment. He seems to have succeeded in toning himself down, and he's not nearly as obnoxious as his 6 sweeps old self, so probably it won't be a big deal to have him around, assuming he accepts. And after all, this is not really about you: you're not the one who was killed in cold blood that fateful night, and you could almost argue that he did you a favour by blinding you.

Almost, because that thought makes very little sense, and it's not like your peculiar experience with blindness suddenly makes it ok for sociopathic kids with entitlement issues to go around blinding people for moronic reasons.

You frown, hoping Feferi doesn't notice. You still get glimpses now and then, weird flashes of fleeting sensation from a life that isn't yours, remnants of the sprite bond you were a part of. Sometimes you look at Karkat and suddenly feel comforted and peaceful, in a way so unmistakably pale and so out of place between you and your friend. One night you were eating next to Vriska of all people, who wouldn't stop running her mouth on and on at Kanaya about some supposedly cool stuff she'd seen in the dream bubbles, and for a moment, you remembered how it felt like to kiss her. Which was really, _really_ gross because seriously, nope nope nope. You don't even want to touch the concept that Vriska Serket has concupiscent quadrants with a ten foot pole. Honest platonic hate or harmless irritation all the way for you. Ew.

Sometimes you're not completely yourself, and you remember how it feels like to be so miserably alone, until all that's left is broken hopes and nightmares and a boiling, consuming thirst for destruction begging to break loose. Alone as Sollux Captor has never really been, because as much as you've had your dark moments, you've always had friends to catch you when you fell apart, without that particular talent in pushing them away and blaming them for it.

Sometimes you still remember what it feels like to be Eridan Ampora, and you don't like it.

* * *

One day you wake up at the stirring of bodies next to you, and it takes you a few seconds for your eyes to focus in the darkness. On your left, Feferi just sat up, rubbing her eyes, and when Aradia rises as well to put an arm around her shoulders, you notice she's shaking. You catch a few, jumbled words, barely understandable, something about day terrors. Then Feferi turns to Aradia and hides her face in the crook of her neck, and you can see she is crying.

Feferi is crying.

The thought makes your blood run cold, and you bolt right up. Feferi is crying. You've never seen her crying, somehow you didn't really think it was possible, and now you see how stupid you were being. Of course she can cry, just because she's so strong and fearless and doesn't quite emote like you do it doesn't mean she can't be hurt. You cuddle up close with them, try to hold them both in your arms, and you catch broken fragments of words between sobs. You understand it's something about her dream, something about ending up alone. Something about you and Aradia - and about death.

"I will lose you both. I will lose you so soon, so soon," she keeps repeating, and right then and there your throat slams shut.

Everybody falls. Everything breaks.

You want to do something, you want to put her back together, just like she did with you that time in the Veil when Aradia's robot exploded, yet there's nothing you can do, nothing but holding her and rubbing at her shoulders as she shakes, and whisper useless words into her hair, "no love, no," you repeat as if you could revert reality if you're stubborn enough. But you can't, not with the girl who will live to see a new civilization of trolls arise, evolve and thrive - without you.

No wonder she doesn't feel ready to "go further" yet, no wonder she's so pensive lately. Going through the core of Skaia means leaving everything about the Game behind - no revivals, no ghosts, no dream bubbles. Just life and death.

Then something else happens that you hadn't thought of, that you weren't prepared for. Aradia cuddles Feferi closer and leads her to lay her head over her breasts, cradling her gently, just like she used to do with you when you were kids together, not sure if you were moirails or something else. She leans to kiss the top of her head, and tenderly paps her face.

"Shoosh, Feferi. Shoosh, it's going to be ok," she whispers, her thumb tracing circles over her cheeks, and Feferi whines softly, her earfins fluttering, but cuddles closer to her friend, the tension in her body subsiding.

You hold your breath as the full certainty of what's happening sinks in. Aradia bends to whisper in Feferi's ear, and you don't catch what she says, but it's ok, because you realize that you shouldn't, you're not supposed to, it would be like intruding on them and the bond they share. You feel like you shouldn't even look at them, as intimate and precious as this is. You just know that whatever Aradia's saying, it's working, because gradually Feferi calms down and her tears dry off.

Somehow it feels like you should have known all along: the opposite ends of the spectrum, the girl who will live forever and the girl who died a thousand deaths. It only makes sense that they would need each other like this.

Sleep is now officially out of the question for all three of you, and you just lie down together, cradling Feferi between you and Aradia, holding each other and sharing the occasional kiss or caress. You even manage to joke about this when she feels better: we're going to be such cranky old trolls, FF, just you wait! I'm going to team up with KK to chase wigglers off our lawn and AA's going to hang out at excavation sites to tell archeologists how to do their job. It's going to be sweet!

You get her to chuckle at the end, and that's a victory enough for you today. She closes her eyes peacefully, Aradia's hand entwined with hers on her stomach, your fingers lost in her hair. You hear her take a couple of deep breaths, as if about to speak, then let them go.

"I love you."

She doesn't say how many people she's referring to, or which quadrants. You don't care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you had any doubts, Feferi and Sollux are going to watch _Finding Nemo_.


	10. INTERMISSION II: Eridan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Goodbye_  
>  _Your pocket full of dreams_  
>  _Your mind in a daze_  
>  _Keep on chasing rainbows_  
>  \- ["Runaway Train", Avantasia](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBQf1sLwrrE)

**> Sollux: ok, that was enough mush to last several days, but also kind of sad. Be Eridan again.**

You should know by now that if you want something cheerful this is probably not the best choice around, unless you have a very peculiar case of schadenfreude. Are you really, really sure you want to be Eridan again?

**>**   **Sollux** **:**   **schadenfreude**   **all**   **the**   **way** **.**   **Wear**   **the**   **cape** **,**   **be**   **the**   **douchefin** **.**

****You are Eridan Ampora once again and you don't quite appreciate the sass, but it's not like you could do much about it in any case, since you are not in control of the narrative. You are still dead, still on the meteor and your only available command is still "accelerate", so asking the usual "what will you do" is kind of superfluous.

**>**   **Eridan** **:**   **accelerate** **.**

****Nights and days on the meteor still all feel the same as they blow by, but you know something has changed. You managed to actually have some sort of conversation with Feferi, for one, which prompted you to gather your courage and at least try to follow Karkat's advice.

Start from the little things, such as absconding a little less once in a while.

It isn't easy, but you still make it a point to visit the common room regularly, so that at least you don't completely lose the habit of being around people, and in those occasions when you  _have_  to interact with them, it doesn't send you into a panic. Let's not kid ourselves here: you still don't have much to do with the others, and it's not like anybody is particularly friendly with you - which is fine for you, because you wouldn't know how to react. But actually leaving your block now and then makes it more likely to run into Karkat, and it always makes you feel a little better, even if everything you talk about is what you want to eat or how you take your coffee.

You also run into Feferi now and then, of course. You try your best not to avoid her, but don't really try to interact with her either, and she does the same. She offered you a choice, she promised she wouldn't pressure you on it and she's keeping her part of the deal.

You still have no idea what to do.

* * *

You decide to reread  _the_   _Lord_   _of_   _the_   _Deep_ _s_ , and you can't believe how much you missed this book. The descriptions, the care of details, the historical background, the worldbuilding, the masterfully woven political subplots... good old Jonarr Tolken knew what he was doing. This book is a jewel, and the seadweller's edition's gorgeous illustrations and author's notes only compliment the work. The salty, thick smell of the waxy waterproof pages reminds you of your hive and endless nights spent in avid reading.

You also notice you had forgotten a lot about the character arcs, or maybe it's just that you're older now and you have a different perception of certain themes and details. You had always dismissed the lowblood characters as excessively sappy and boring, but now you realize how actually nuanced and well-rounded they are even for being part of the supporting cast. You vaguely remember they end up in consensual slavery in the last chapters, and it makes you cringe.

When you get around halfway of chapter three, you're surprised to find a small piece of folded paper between the pages, and you guess Feferi was using it as a bookmark. Curiously you open it, and you instantly know you've made a mistake when you recognize your own calligraphy from some time ago. Yet you read anyway. You just can't help it.

> dear fef or betta YOUR GLUBBIN MAJESTY  
> this is your most faithful fan on alternia wwritin to you  
> im bassically a bigger fan of you than a troll liam neeson wwhich is much to say as you can imagine so i hope you wwill conseader my humbubble rayquest to ride the oceans an conchquer the univverse together  
> im searious here i havve all your props and gadgets at my modest aboat wwithout mentionin all your posters covverin my wwalls and wwindowws  
> carp fef i cant do this as wwell as before anemonemore can i GLUBGLUBGLUBGLUB  
> anywway all i wwanted to say is thank you for alwways bein there for me  
> im sorry i raised my vvoice last night but im one a the biggest pandead fuckers history has evver knowwn an i cant treat you of all people like this  
> im just the biggest dipshit evver hatched like the wworst of all the shits that evver dipped  
> i knoww youre too kind to be really mad at me but i wwanted to apologize an tell you im sorry all the same  
> youre goin to be one hell of an empress fef  
> but i dont wwant to fight wwith you evver again  
> you are really important to me i wwant you to nevver forget it evven for an instant  
> troll me at any time if you wwant to hang out tomorroww too ok  
> sea you soon an dont make too many of your fishy plans GLUBGLUBGLUB  
> <>  
> eri  
> ps i found this sea plant wwhile comin home an i thought about you  
> i havve no idea wwhat its called but its just your color an kinda looks like a flowwer dont you think  
> let me knoww if you like it ok

You sigh, your fingers tracing the folds of the paper: they look worn and softened, as if it had been folded and unfolded several times - or maybe she was just using it as a bookmark because this was what she had at arm's reach, and it looks worn because of brushing against pages. The letter has no date, but you can guess it was not long before the Game. Back on her 5th wriggling day you had prepared for her a joke fan letter, using all the worst fish puns you could imagine, and it had made her laugh so much that you started leaving little notes near her hive in that same style for her to find, often accompanied by pretty trinkets or colourful clamshells, as a sort of treasure hunt between friends. She never sent you letters of her own, she just wasn't the type, but you knew she liked them and would often drop you quick notes on Trollian such as "you are so S-EALLY! 38D" to let you know she had found them. Then as time went by it became harder and harder to pretend everything was fine, and the letters just became your reluctant way to try and make her smile after snapping at her.

You'd like to appreciate this as part of the few good memories you have about your moirallegiance with her, but you really can't. It's just another reminder that there was a time in which things were at least functional between you, a time in which you could make her smile - and you let it go to waste. You've wondered so many times what would have happened if you had revealed her your true feelings right away, instead of keeping on pretending and growing bitter about them. Maybe that way you would've had some hope in bringing her to see you in a different light, since she hadn't burnt out on you yet, or at least you would've had a more honest, balanced friendship and you would've been able to move on.

You snort at that thought. She just never liked you that way, and knowing about your true feelings would've only made her uncomfortable and put even more distance between you. And 6 sweeps old Eridan Ampora moving on? Yeah, sure. Probably the same way you "moved on" when Vriska dumped you and you kept on pestering her until she blocked you on Trollian (Vriska, of all people). It has taken you two murders, a gruesome death and sweeps alone with your nightmares in the dream bubbles before coming to terms with the fact that your friends don't "owe you", especially not after how horrible you've been to them. You probably would've just screwed up things some other way.

You fold the letter back into the book and never look at it again.

You still have no idea what Feferi wants from you.

* * *

At some point the idea that maybe she's pale for you again blooms into your mind and straight out terrifies you. What if you have to reject her advances? Or even worse, what if you actually cave in out of loneliness and you end up in an even worse mess than before? Nope. No no no, not going down that road. You don't even want to ponder the possibility. 

Then you remember she basically described your moiraillegiance as an awful idea, given that you weren't really a good match, and you realize it's a stupid thought. That's not the kind of thing you do if you're pale-flirting, and moreover, Feferi is about as subtle as your fashion sense, so any advances would've been tragically obvious.

One night you're in the common room, munching hungrily on something perfect and heavenly the Jane human just prepared and insisted that everybody try for some reason (she calles it pizza and it has anchovies and some sort of cheese on it and you just decided you can't live without it), and you're waiting for most of the confusion to clear out so maybe you could get to chat a bit with Karkat, or try to - when you notice Feferi and Aradia eating together at one of the far off tables. You don't miss the way they hold hands, or the way they sit next to each other instead of face-to-face, or the way they smile and whisper to one another or - holy shit. Aradia reaches over to wipe a tiny drop of sauce from the corner of Feferi's lips, and her earfins up and fucking  _flutter_. Basically this couldn't be any more embarrassing if they had a "just paled" sign over their heads.

Ok, it's definitely not you she's pale for and that's a relief. Also, it's nice to see Feferi happy. It's sort of weird though because you would have thought Sollux and Aradia were moirails instead. Maybe they're just very close friends?

You almost want to ask Karkat, but you doubt you can go back to being his gossip buddy like old times any soon.

Then later, when you're almost leaving, Sollux arrives through the transportalizer and Feferi waves at him. He joins them at the table, and Aradia scoots along so he can sit right between them.

You feel a cold prickle at the base of your neck, once more that subtle discomfort you can't quite place, and you turn away. As if you were looking at something you're not supposed to.

Maybe it's just that it makes you uncomfortable to see the three of them so happy together. Maybe it's just Sollux's unnerving presence.

Or maybe not.

* * *

It takes you a good while to figure it out.

You exclude the ashen quadrant right away: they're pretty clearly all fond of each other, there is no unresolved black tension or the careful, exasperated mediation a club arrangement would entail. You're assuming Sollux and Feferi never stopped being matesprits, but after all it's not like they exchange fluids in public (thankfully), so you can't be quite sure. Hmm.

At some point you realize you're going to need some solid science to solve this mystery. The kind of science that you remember being heavily featured on Nepeta's hive walls back when you were her server player. Gossipy, embarrassing, delicious shipping science. So one night, while the three of them are busy working with Kanaya and Jade, you settle on a far off table with your coffee and your book, and start scribbling on a napkin. Because that is totally fucking normal, thank you very much. Can't a fellow take some notes on such a compelling read, after all?

Ok. You already determined that if Sollux and Feferi are red and Aradia and Feferi are pale, then Sollux and Aradia are simply good old buddies. Seems unlikely: Aradia might lack Feferi's openly affectionate antics, but you saw she holds hands with Sollux frequently. So you cross that out.

Maybe Sollux and Feferi are red and he's pale for Aradia instead? More likely. He is a bit of an unstable type, after all, and the rustblood looks pretty calm and level headed, if a bit of a weirdo (there's this bit going around about her and something called 'a corpse party', and you don't think you want to know anything more). But this would make the girls simply very close friends and that doesn't really convince you: they basically breathe diamonds when they look at each other (well, not literally). So you cross that out too.

It is true that quadrants are nuanced, though. Flushed affection can be mistaken for pale in certain stages, and vice versa. It's not like you've ever seen Aradia and Feferi start up a papfest in public (again, thankfully), so maybe they're actually flushed and they just have a pale-looking way of expressing it? And Sollux isn't quadranted to either of them right now, but he used to be and parted on good terms, so they're all pretty close. This might actually make some sort of sense, since he seems to have the same relationship now with both girls.

That's when you get it.

You don't really want to. You'd gladly avoid if you could. But just as you complete your last scribble, Feferi's silvery laughter attracts your attention. You look up and you see the three of them huddled close. Sollux has an arm around her shoulders, playing with her hair, and whatever's going on must be pretty amusing because Aradia is laughing along as well, cuddled under his other arm, and Kanaya shakes her head with a patronizing smile, typing up on her husktop.

Cold spreads inside your chest, but this time everything clicks. This time you know exactly what it means.

Shadows from a life you never lived stir under your eyelids, the faint echo of memories bled through a sprite bond you don't share anymore. You look at Aradia, you look at Feferi, and you find the same love and closeness, the featherlight touch of kisses you've never shared. You look at the two of them and you feel split in two, like Eridan Ampora has never been before - and like Sollux Captor has always been instead. You look away.

_The same relationship with both._

You clench your fists. It's so glaringly obvious when you think about it, it's so lame and predictable, knowing his idiotic duality fixation. He went and stuck both girls in the same quadrant. It makes your insides twist.

He doesn't deserve her.

(Ahahah and who would deserve her instead, exactly? You? Yeah, right.)

"What's that you're doing?"

Karkat's voice startles you out of your moping and you captchalogue the napkin so quickly you might as well have eaten it - which you were sort of tempted to do anyway so there would be no proof of your nosing around. You flush. He's just standing there on the other side of the table, sipping on his coffee, looking at you from under knitted, bushy eyebrows. You have no idea how long he's been there and how much he saw of what you were doing. Shit.

"Uh... nothin' gross," you mumble, fidgeting with your book. Because that is totally not suspicious at all. You cringe as Karkat's eyebrows go up in a skeptical expression, then he gives a subtle nod in the direction of the transportalizer, still looking at you.

You're not sure what's going on, but when he leaves, you follow him.

* * *

"So. Are you going to get it in that flooded lawnring you pawn off as a think pan that it's none of your business, or do I have to spell it out for you?"

You frown. You're in Karkat's block, and you're frankly in awe of the sheer quantity of comic books, cheap paperbacks and DVDs he apparently owns. You can tell most of this is second hand material, you highly doubt it was worth much back on Alternia, but it's still impressive. You're sitting awkwardly with him on his old couch, which you can tell by the misshapen cushions and the patches has seen one too many naps and familial strifes, and just look at him as he goes through literal piles of his old stuff, and tries to decide what he can get rid of without a tear, and what must absolutely be preserved for the good of troll civilization. He's been turning around in his hands a DVD of the  _Pailing and the Communal Hives_  series for a few minutes now, and you can tell it's going to be a difficult decision. You shrug.

"I know, Kar, but... it's unfair. These things are just not natural."

Karkat snorts, and drops the DVD in the chest with the rest of the stuff to be discarded. 

"Unfair would be if they all hadn't agreed to this, which they have, as I already told you, and as you would know if you ever used those ear flappy dealies for actually listening once in a while, instead of just holding up your glasses," he says, picking up the next item; it turns out to be the old cartoon version of  _the Lord of the Deeps_. "And I'm not sure what you mean by 'natural'. I can think of many 'not natural' things that are still far from being any of your fucking business."

He turns to look at you for just a moment, with his bright, undeniably mutant candy red eyes, and the message gets through way too clearly. You gulp, looking away. 

Damn. What were you thinking, bringing up the 'not natural' argument with someone who would've been culled on sight back on Alternia for that very reason? You are such an ass. And you know he's right: if Feferi really agreed to this, if she's really happy - you should just deal with it and be happy for her. You know you should.

(You still think he doesn't deserve her. But you don't either, and he's making her happy as you never could.)

"What I meant is... it's kinda weird." You clear your throat. "I never heard about anythin' like that. What if it doesn't work out?"

(What if that asshole hurts her?)

"Look, it's certainly out of the ordinary, I'll give you that," Karkat says, shrugging, and moves the _Lord of the Deeps_  cartoon to the 'to keep' pile - you have no idea why, because that movie was really corny. "I don't imagine something like that ever working for me, and I guess that's the same for you. But this is not about me, and it's not about you. Honestly, Eridan, I've been kind of worried about Sollux from a while because I could tell where this was going, and I knew he wouldn't talk to me about it, but I guess they figured it all out on their own, and now? Have you even looked at them, for real? They are just...  _happy_. I mean, there's Sollux involved and he's kind of gross, so of course I don't want to think too much about his romantic life, but it's clear it all works for them, so I'm good. Sure, they're all going to have to be careful, but think about it... are things that much easier with old regular quadrants? Of course not. Feelings and relationships can royally fuck you up, quadrants or not. Sometimes I think we would all do much better getting rid of quadrants altogether, like the humans, but then again I'm that weirdo who shares a blood colour with them for some obscure joke of paradox space, so what do I know. I get that you're worried about her, and you don't want to see her hurt, but... if it doesn't work out, so what? It's going to hurt, sure, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. They will deal with it and move on, and they will have friends on their side if they need support. But even if it doesn't work out, Eridan, I want this one thing to be clear: it's still none of your fucking business."

You hold your breath. You know what he's trying to tell you, he's reading you like an open book and nailing down exactly what's wrong - but you were so focused on his words that only now you notice that he didn't move on to the next thing to inspect in the pile next to him. He just stayed there, elbows on his knees, his fingers intertwined, and kept talking. He actually cast the chore aside to focus on the conversation, even if he's not looking at you yet. Your face tingles, and you hope you're not doing something ridiculous such as blushing, because you have a question to ask. You can't really help it.

"Why are you tellin' me all of this?"

Your voice comes out weaker than you mean it to, almost like a whisper, but you don't care. Karkat furrows his brow, and his eyes dart back to you for a moment, before going back to look vaguely in front of him again.

"Because... I don't want you to do anything stupid."

Holy shit. That sort of sounded like something pretty close to pale, maybe? Or maybe he's just being good old Karkat, always trying his best to support his friends? You gulp. Just the idea of being _friends_ , without any quadrant implication, is enough to send your blood pusher beating faster. 

"And anyway... it's not a secret." Karkat clears his throat, still without looking at you. "They're not advertising it all the time, but they're not even doing much to hide it. I think most of the people around here either know first-hand or have figured it out, so it was just a matter of time before you found out as well. They're even going to live together when we get on the new planet."

Your eyes go wide. Well, that explains a lot, including why you often see all three of them working with Kanaya and Jade, and it only makes sense considering the situation. What really keeps on failing to make sense, now more than ever, is the question still hanging in your mind.

What does Feferi want from you?

"What is that face now?" Karkat asks, and you notice that only now he's turned to look at you with a puzzled expression. You take a big breath, and you accept the fact that if there's anybody you can talk this out with, it's him.

"Fef asked me to come with her," you say, and Karkat's eyebrows go up in surprise, but he does not interrupt you, and you take that as encouragement to go on. "That's why she was lookin' for me that night. With her, which at this point means with them, I guess? She told me to think about it, she wasn't pushy or anythin', but I really... I have no idea what's goin' on, I don't know what to do. I know she's not pale for me now, and that's ok because I wouldn't want that, but still... what if she pities me, and not in a good way? What if she's just doin' this because she thinks nobody else will, because she knows I will end up alone? Or maybe she really just want to... to start over, and try bein' friends again, and that's almost worse because... because how do I even deal with that? I can barely talk to her without thinkin' of how much I don't even deserve to _look_ at her, how can I even think of sharin' a hive with her and her... _quadrantmates_ , and try to be friends again? How can I..."

You stop and hold your breath at the sudden heat around your wrist, and it takes you a moment to realize it's Karkat's hand. 

"Eridan... breathe. You're rambling," he says, looking straight up at you, and as his thumb traces half a circle on the heel of your hand, the tightness in your chest seems to relax. You gulp, and you'd like to hold his hand in turn -it looks so small and stubby, compared to yours, and so warm- but you're worried it would be too overt. Especially because you're not sure if he still has a thing going with Gamzee or if you're allowed to ask in the first place. You don't know what happened exactly between him, Gamzee and Terezi, but from what little you've seen it wasn't pretty.

"Ok, that's better," he says, letting go of your hand. Your pinky finger jolts embarrassingly for a moment, longing for more comforting warmth. "Listen... what do you  _want_ to do? I'm not talking specifics, those you'll have to figure out along the way. I mean the reason why you're here, on this meteor. I don't care if it sounds stupid or impossible, just say it out loud."

You lick your lips, fidgeting with your scarf.

"I want to start over. And I want to fix things with her, but that's stupid as hell because I know I can't. There is nothin' I can fix."

"And that's ok." Karkat nods. "It's normal that you keep thinking about the past, even if you know you can't fix it. But if starting over is really what you want, sooner or later you're going to have to move on. One thing I noticed that you keep doing, only in a different way, is making it all about you: seriously, I'm not surprised that you can't talk to her if everything you can focus on is how horrible you are. Self hatred is comfy as fuck and pretty much useless, listen to an expert. Also, keep in mind that starting over is a goal in itself, not a means to an end. You have to be ready to walk into this without expecting a prize at the bottom of the grubcorn box, and you know what I mean, don't give me that look. If you still have feelings for her, it's your problem, not hers. She has her own life, her own relationships to think about, and you can only be a part of it as long as you respect that. Do you think you can do this? I don't mean right now, or tomorrow, or even the next perigee. Just think about it, because if you want this to get anywhere, good intentions are not going to be enough."

You sigh and close your eyes for a moment. You never liked much Karkat's lectures, but you know he's right, and he really gets you. Of course a small part of you keeps hoping that one day Feferi will return your affections -as you're sure he knows, since he mentioned that-, but you're painfully aware that it stopped being a viable or even legitimate goal a long time ago. As much as you still think Sollux is gross and an asshole, she's happy with him and that's all that matters. Even simply having a honest, friendly conversation with her once in a while, no guilt trips, no walking on eggshells, no strings attached, would be a victory enough for you - and to get that far, you're going to have the let the past go, even if you can't do it yet.

"Kar, I know... and I do want this. She's givin' me a chance, though I don't have the slightest clue why, and I feel like only an idiot would pass that up, but... how do I know I won't screw it all up?" 

You sneak a wary look at Karkat, and you find him with his mouth pursed in a pensive expression. Then he shrugs.

"Well, you can't know, of course. And I'm not done." He pats your hand again as soon as you get restless, and you deflate. "Of course you can still make mistakes, Eridan, and the sooner you accept that, the better, because fear of failure won't get you anywhere. But you are older now, you've had a lot of time to think about what happened, and you can face things differently this time. Hell, just a short while ago you were doing your best 'haughty bigoted highblood' impression over someone else's unusual quadrant arrangements, but now we're talking this over like civilized trolls and you're actually listening to me, instead of trying to butt into their relationship or being an embarrassment to your species some other way. That's a good sign if I ever saw one. And as for why she's giving you a chance... I doubt you'll ever find out unless you try, and by try I mean try your best, not jump in and expect things to magically become perfect."

You blink a couple of times, looking at him. Well, that's surprising. You see where he's coming from, and that's exactly why it's so surprising. You had forgotten how good it feels for someone to believe in you, especially when it's someone whose opinion you respect such as your lifelong palecrush.

She's giving you a chance. You can't expect it to be easy, but maybe you can give yourself a chance in turn?

"You know, Kar, I... I think you're right. I think I'm gonna speak with her later." You clear your throat. "Uh... thanks for the chat."

Karkat snorts, and as he turns back to work on his DVD pile (is that... season 1 of  _Hopeless Hivebound Concupiscent Quadrantmates_? Oh my glub that was one cool series), you think the corners of his mouth quirk up a little. 

"Nevermind. Everybody knows I'm just that awesome."

You swallow, and you think your earfins do that fluttery thing for a moment; you pretend adjusting your glasses to cover them, and you hope you're not blushing again. You almost want to tell him about your true feelings, especially because the whole chat was only a pap away from a full-fledged feelings jam, and you're sure he knows. But you don't. 

(You're still so pale for him it's downright embarrassing.)

* * *

When you tell Feferi, she's in the common room sharing tea and cookies with Jane, and she smiles at you. Her smile is so lovely you can almost imagine how her eyes would be if she was alive, large and shining with royal fuchsia instead of ghastly blank. She sits with you next to Kanaya, and she tells you that she had already set up the hive with one extra respiteblock, in case you decided to accept her offer, but now that it's official you can do whatever you want with it, even move it around. Jane leaves the three of you a bowl of cookies for some reason, and you get down to work on your new home with your blood pusher beating loud and chocolate drops melting in your mouth.

(You have no idea what it is with this weird dark-skinned girl and cooking, but she's awesome.)

You're terrified, and you're grateful that Feferi isn't trying to fill the silence at all costs, because that would make you feel smothered. You still don't know if you can do this. But you  _want_ this, and you're never going to get anywhere unless you try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eridan's letter in the second segment is actually based on unpublished work by AO3 user [chestnutChaser](http://archiveofourown.org/users/chestnutchaser), without whom this whole AU wouldn't even exist, and who is actually my sister! Lots of love ♥
> 
> I am aware I'm terrible at fish puns, but I'm afraid it comes with not being a native English speaker. Suggestions to get better at fish puns are welcome!
> 
> Apparently I have a weakness for seadwellers in diamonds with redbloods (whether it's EriKar or AraFef). I should probably be bothered by the fact that Eridan's chapters are by far the easiest to write for me, but I'm not. #YOLO


	11. > Eridan: Skip to the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Fly high_  
>  _Leave the past behind_  
>  _The dark road you take_  
>  _Bears no escape_  
>  \- ["Runaway Train", Avantasia](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBQf1sLwrrE)

**> Eridan: ok, that's quite enough of that. Cut out the intermissions**   **and move the story forward.**

Oh come on. You're pretty sure that having an almost-feelings-jam with Karkat and finally telling Fef your decision actually counted as moving the story forward, at least a little bit. You guess it's flattering that your point of view is still deemed useful for story progression though, instead of just randomly shifting to other people such as a certain psionic hacker. You guess you don't mind. It's cool.

Unfortunately though, what's left for you to do at the moment is several nights on the meteor reading in your block, working with Kanaya, trying to ignore Sollux and dutifully cooperating whenever Jane's going through another of her recipe testing phases (because you might be an asshole and an outcast, but you're not stupid). So if you're out of room for more intermissions, a more direct command will be necessary to trigger a change.

**> Eridan: skip to the end.**

The perspective obligingly shifts forward by several nights, and you find yourself in your block on the meteor, being abruptly jolted awake -never mind the fact that your being asleep in the first place makes no sense- by a shrill chime ringing through the corridors. It takes you a moment to realize what it means, and remember what Kanaya told you.

It is time.

As you leave your block, the commotion already echoing through the halls only confirms what you already know, sending your blood pusher beating faster. You catch a glimpse of long hair and a blue tail as Equius and Nepeta disappear around a corner, and you barely dodge a nasty horn blow as Tavros hurries past you with Vriska in tow. You have no idea how that guy does not topple over or get stuck into doorframes.

"Sorry!" Tavros waves at you without stopping, and Vriska flashes you an excited grin.

"Come on, Ampora!" she says, dragging out your name with way too many extra vowels, and as she tries to lean on Tavros' horns like handlebars, he just shakes her off, barely avoiding goring her in the process.

"I'd say I'm sorry but you should really know better..." He smirks, and Vriska visibly deflates with a "Boring!", stuffing her hands in her pockets. Well, this is new. You might not be black for her anymore, but it's always interesting to see Vriska getting scorned, and Tavros just gained a bunch of badass points in your book. You snort in amusement and follow suite, staying a few steps behind. Along the way you pass by Karkat and Gamzee, the latter propped up limp against a wall like a puppet -an incredibly tall puppet with lanky limbs that seem to have forgotten to stop growing along the way-, shaking his head slowly with a sad, drowsy expression, as the former paps his cheeks. Gamzee is the only troll you know that's taller than you, apart from maybe Equius by a hair's breadth, and Karkat just looks so small by comparison that it makes you uncomfortable. 

"Come on you big ass clown trash, look at me,  _talk_  to me," you hear Karkat saying, and it's enough for you to conclude that some serious moirailing is in progress, which is really none of your business. So you go on, trying to do your best impression of not having noticed anything, and especially not being worried or stupidly jealous. You doubt that your facade is very convincing as you can't resist sneaking back a curious glance, and you're a little reassured when you see the other two have left their spot near the wall and are now catching up, hand in hand, with Karkat still muttering under his breath.

When you turn again, you notice Aradia and Feferi skipping together up the stairs, with Sollux shortly behind, and you guess they must have slipped out of a nearby room while you were distracted. You gulp, and after a moment's hesitation you follow. 

The clamor of voices around you grows as you continue up the winding stairs, until you reach the roof, and you have to pause at the sight, your mouth agape. You're not sure what you expected to see exactly, but this is different.

You've been on the meteor's roof a couple of times, out of sheer curiosity or just to sulk a bit, and the gaping void of the core of Skaia surrounding the meteor has always been a pure inky black. Now, straight in front of you, it's full of stars, scattered like diamonds over the infinite nothingness, and looking carefully, you realize that there is a clear boundary between the lights and the familiar darkness, tracing a precise, regular shape, as if you were looking at a starry sky through... a window?

You gulp. It's a familiar shape. A window pane and a rooftop, as tall as a mountain, drawing closer and closer. For the first time you're aware of the fact that the meteor is moving, faintly vibrating under your feet, towards the starry sky beyond the symbol. A whole new world.

The Endgame Door.

Most of the people already here seem just as transfixed as you by the sight. Aradia, Sollux and Feferi hold each other's hands, Nepeta paps a shivering Equius, Terezi and Vriska sit together in silence on a rocky outcrop, Kanaya, Jade and Tavros talk in hushed whispers, as if they were afraid to disturb the still atmosphere. Rose, Dave and John pass you by, the latter excitedly talking to the little salamander that follows him everywhere for some reason. You gulp. No one around seems to have even noticed you're there.

Whatever dark thoughts were starting to take residence in your pan, however, are instantly swept away as a speck of new, brighter light rises up over the meteor's horizon, and soon your true destination appears in all its glory. 

Your breathing catches in your throat, Feferi cries out something unintelligible, both Vriska and Terezi bolt up from where they're sitting, Jade starts jumping and nearly gets Dave toppled over in a hug. The others' reactions are not that different.

Beyond the Endgame Door, a huge sphere of green and blue and white cotton now shines against the starry sky. The new planet.

Suddenly your blood pusher thunders loudly in your chest, suddenly your legs feel weak and unsteady. You can see the shimmering sapphire of oceans, the gold of deserts, the lush green of forests and the icy white of mountain peaks. You breathe in, and a distant scent, new and yet familiar, cold and salty like the ocean spray, bubbling with infinite potentiality, fills your nostrils. This is it, it's really happening.  It almost feels like...

Hope?

You look around, hoping to find Karkat, needing to vent, to express with someone else this new feeling, both beautiful and terrifying. John has pulled up in his arms the salamander kid to help it see better, and next to him, Rose talks to the creature, pointing at the planet, likely explaining what it all means. Jake arrives in a jog, shortly followed by Dirk and the carapacian exile you've come to know as the Mayor, and joins Jade to hug her, blabbering excitedly. Just as you turn around, Jane and Roxy reach the roof together, both gasping at the sight. You finally find Karkat and Gamzee, whom you hadn't noticed before, and you gulp: the tall indigo is crying in silence, white and grey makeup flaking down his gaunt face. Karkat sneaks troubled stares up at him, holding his hand, and you look away, deciding not to get his attention: it's clear he has to think of his moirail first. You cross Kanaya's stare as she seems to scan through the small crowd, fidgeting and mumbling to herself, and soon you understand that she's counting. She gives Jade a thumbs up, and the tall girl with bronze skin and weird furry ears starts waving to get the group's attention.

"Listen up everyone!" She exchanges a look with Dave, who holds up four fingers. "Ok, we have four minutes from now until we cross the Endgame Door! After the crossing, we will effectively leave the Game and we'll lose all powers, god tiers included, and nobody, I repeat  _nobody_  has ever made this before! We don't know how it's going to be exactly, but it's very important that whatever happens, you don't try to fight it, because you might stay trapped in the Game! And the same goes for those of you who are ghosts... I can say from experience that resurrection is not pleasant, but it's better than the alternative!"

Jade gives a nervous little laugh, and you swallow. The vibration under your feet grows into a audible hum, and the planet seems to be approaching faster now. A few steps ahead of you, Sollux waves.

"Jade, I hate to be that guy but how do we avoid getting smashed on the ground with the meteor without Game powers? Please tell me it's obvious and I'm just too dumb to get it."

You shake your head before you know why, and you notice Jake, a few steps from Jade, is doing the same. Is that a Hope thing - the indefinable, inner certainty that helps you counter Doom? Are you more in tune with your aspect now of all times, when you're about to leave the Game? Go figure. To your relief, Jade smiles reassuringly.

"No worries, Sollux, we're not going to have to  _land_  like a spaceship! We will just...  _arrive,_ so to speak! You'll see..." 

To your surprise, Dave takes off his shades to look at the looming planet. For a moment, before he turns away, you catch a glimpse of candy red. You notice Dirk gives him a long, unreadable look, just before following his example.

"Time's flying, Jade," Dave says. She scratches at her furry ears nervously. 

"Ok, we don't have much time left, so if you have any other question, fire away!"

Nobody talks, but even if someone did, you wouldn't be able to hear them, because the vibration under your feet quickly grows stronger and louder, like a steady ringing in your ears, at the roots of your fangs, until it suffocates any other sound, even your tense breathing and the thumping of your blood pusher. The planet fills almost your entire field of vision through the Endgame Door now, and its contours start to glimmer with light, blurring the edges of your surroundings. You're not counting seconds, but you're sure Time is almost up.

Ahead of you, Dave and Rose, standing close to each other, exchange a glance, and immediately grasp hands without needing a word. Rose turns to the other side and holds out her hand to John, who takes it right away, still carrying the little salamander. Dave takes Jade's hand, who holds the Mayor, who in turn takes Jake's hand, then Jane, Roxy and Dirk join the chain. You are not sure why, but as you turn to look for the others, you already know what you will find. Your eyes tearing up in the growing, blinding light, you can make out Karkat between Gamzee and Terezi, then Nepeta, Equius, Vriska, Kanaya and Tavros already joined in a chain. Aradia takes Tavros' hand, still holding Sollux, who in turn is still holding Feferi.

Feferi turns to you, holding out her hand. Her smile is the last thing you can see before you take her hand and everything disappears.

 **>**   **Everybody: Exit Game.**

Time stops. Space cracks. Void implodes. Breath chokes. Rage melts away. Both Hope and Doom stand still. Mind dims. Blood curdles. Heart burns. Life freezes. Light turns into darkness.

Wounds close and heal, legs can walk again, single vision turns eightfold once more, veins run with blood of many colours. Yet scars remain, jade tinted skin can still shine, and burnt red eyes still cannot see, because it is only up to the wounded to decide what healing means.

And out of the infinite darkness, a new story unfolds.

Billions of solar cycles ago, and precisely right now, an alchemical paradox sparks a whole new universe into being. Stars are scattered across the void like sparkling dust, and orbiting one of these, a small, yellow sun, a new planet is born as a cradle of life. On this planet, a population of many forms and colours -wild lusi, carapacians, salamanders, nakkodiles, turtles and iguanas- grows and flourishes to discover the ruins of a civilization once erased by a cruel Game, the same Game their own kind was once slave to. But the wise Denizens still remember how it all began and how it ended, and cycle after cycle, generation after generation, they spin the most ancient tale of all to keep the memory alive. The tale of the Eight and Twelve heroes from the two worlds, who freed them from the Game and breathed new life unto them. The tale of the heroes who will come back one day, to walk among them as equals - and the tale of the last one, the winged outsider, who sacrificed her own soul to guide them. The one who gave the world its name.

Calliopia.

A slender, green skinned creature with a skeletal visage, huge white wings spread behind her back, looks upon the new world with kind, serene lime green eyes. The Muse of Space smiles and nods, as if in a silent greeting.

Then, in a blink of her long lashes, she's gone.

Time and Space flow again and intertwine, but there are no Knights or Sylphs, Witches or Maids to serve them anymore. Hope and Doom, Heart and Mind, Life and Blood, Void and Light now have no more power than the concepts they represent. Somewhere on the new world of Calliopia, a young former player enters reality, along with nineteen companions, a young salamander and a Dersite exile.

What will the name of this young former player be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand we're back! We're almost done. Last chapter is already written, I only have to revise it, so expect it coming up this sunday at the latest :3


	12. > Enter name (yes, again)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Days gone by_  
>  _Who'd wanna live forever_  
>  _On our knees up your road_  
>  _Paved with good intentions_  
>  \- ["Runaway Train", Avantasia](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBQf1sLwrrE)

**> Enter name.**

Your name is Eridan Ampora and you are alive.

The first thing that comes back to your senses, is light. A golden, blinding light covers everything, blurring details and distances. The sun must be up, and your skin feels vaguely warm, but you're not writhing in pain or rapidly approaching self combustion, which is weird. The air smells fresh and humid, and tangy like juniper trees. A soft breeze ruffles your hair, and the muscles in your legs feel tense, as if you had been running - which would explain why your blood pusher is going stupidly fast. Then your ears pop and you start hearing the clamor of excited voices around you. Familiar voices.

Feferi, and Jade. And John, you think? And why is Roxy blubbering that way? 

You rub at your stinging eyes, and slowly your vision starts capturing details through the light. You're on the roof of the meteor with all the other players, who seem all very happy and enthusiastic about something, and the meteor itself seem to have landed upon a hill in the countryside, close to a lake and the outskirts of a forest. A colourful crowd of cheering creatures who look a lot like game consorts surrounds the landing point. Next to you, Feferi and Aradia are hugging tight. You catch a fragment of sentence. 

"We made it!" 

That's when it clicks, and you remember. That's why the sun doesn't hurt like on Alternia, that's why everything feels so vivid and all your senses itch, as if you hadn't been this alive in forever - you _are_ alive, you made it on the other side of the Endgame Door, on the new planet. Calliopia, you know it's called, even if you don't remember anybody telling you about it. 

The Game is over.

This simple certainty is enough to take your breath away, and when Feferi whirls around to face you, and for the first time you can see her eyes -alive once more, the grey you remember now filled in by royal fuchsia-, your blood pusher jumps up in your throat, and it's for real this time, not a ghostly, imaginary reaction.

"Oh my god, look at you!" she says, clapping her hands together, and as her eyes go wide, your blood pusher gives another jolt, and it's almost physically painful this time. She's alive, she's so alive and you can see every flutter of expression in her glance, she's alive just like you are and the only difference is that you don't really deserve it. Your throat slams painfully shut, you can feel your earfins drooping down and your chin start to tremble, and oh my god seriously, are you going to cry? You hate crying, your face basically crumbles down when you cry, you should find a way to run and hide, but you can't move. Especially not when she looks at you in worry, covering her mouth with her hands. You look away, trying to blink back tears.

"Oh no... no, Eridan, don't," she says, taking your hands in hers, and when she hesitantly leans in to hug you, you offer no resistance. She's just a little shorter than you, just the right height for you to lean down slightly and hide your face in the crook of her neck, breathing deeply. You don't even know why you feel like crying exactly, it all just feels like too much to bear at the same time - being alive again, being free from the Game, being able to look at her and not see the constant reminder of her death, and yet being all the more aware of it for that.

"It's ok," she whispers, rubbing at your shoulders, "it's all over, we made it..."

When you feel calmer, you pull away hesitantly, stubbornly refusing to look at her, and take off your glasses to wipe a traitorous tear away.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm so fuckin' pathetic," you mumble, your voice still shaking slightly, and Feferi chuckles softly.

"Oh come on... don't you think we're all a bit overwhelmed today? I can't almost _believe_ that we really made it!"

You look around, putting your glasses back on, and well, she's right of course. Gamzee seems to have crumbled on the ground, with Karkat in tow relentlessly shooshing him. Aradia and Tavros are hugging and jumping about, bumping their foreheads together in what looks like their own little ritual, while Nepeta has climbed to Equius' shoulders like a literal meowbeast, half-crying and half-laughing, with her moirail hesitantly papping her as if not to damage her, a broken toothed smile on his face. Terezi and Vriska are joined in what looks like the tightest and most awkward hug you've ever seen, and when you find Roxy, you understand why you heard her blubbering: she's crying, repeating "she was there, I've seen her" between sobs, her face hidden in Jane's shoulder, who seems just as shaken as her. Dirk rubs at her back, occasionally leaning in to whisper something, while Jake looks on in worry, rubbing at the back of his neck, apparently unsure whether to step in or not.  _Calliope_ \- the word blooms in your mind, and somehow you know that's who Roxy's talking about, but you don't know why you're so sure of it suddenly.

A loud, cheerful whistle coming from John draws your attention, and you notice that Jade has captured Dave in a passionate kiss and does not seem very likely to let him go any soon. You can't see much of Dave's face, but you notice his pale skin has flushed more or less the same colour as his cape - although given how his arms are holding onto Jade's waist, it's clear he doesn't mind the kiss itself at all, so he gets none of your compassion, really. A few steps away, Kanaya and Rose, who look like they could use some time alone to talk, look at the scene in amusement.

"Oh my god Jade! Let him breathe!" John snickers, making a big show of shielding the little salamander kid from the mature content in progress.

"Jade, you are officially authorized to choke him if you want," Rose chimes in. Dave flips them the bird, but they don't see it, too busy sharing a high five.

You only notice Sollux when the hairs on the back of your neck stand up at a sudden buzz of static, and you see him a few steps away, looking at a piece of burning paper crumbling on itself on the ground; his eyes, one blue, one red once again, still glimmer faintly. Aradia smiles at him, her arms crossed.

"How are the voices doing?"

Sollux smirks and pulls out his old two-coloured glasses from his pocket to clean them on his shirt.

"Beautifully silent. Looks like we're back to moving... _on_ _the_ _double._ "

He predictably slips on his glasses just then, and you raise a lone, perplexed eyebrow. Oh my god, duality puns? Seriously? He must be _really_ in a good mood for once - obnoxiously so.

"Not the puns again!" Aradia groans.

"You're the one to talk," Sollux says, as the two of them join you and Feferi. He carefully avoids looking at you directly for too long, as you do, but surprisingly enough, he nods at you as some sort of greeting, without losing that irritating, oddly cheerful smirk of his. You nod back at him awkwardly, and concentrate on the tips of your shoes.

"So, if everyone's ready, we can go to the village!"

Jade's cheerful voice attracts your attention, and as you look up, you see her and Kanaya intently scanning through the group. Gamzee looks calmer now and appears to be chatting with Tavros, who's helping him fix the worst of his molten makeup, while Karkat is begrudgingly letting John give him a bro hug; Nepeta has left her post over Equius' shoulders and Roxy is now wiping dried tears and smudged eyeliner from her face, smiling a tired, melancholic smile, holding hands with Jane. Soon the whole group starts moving towards a carved staircase leading off the meteor to the ground -likely courtesy of the former Space players, since you're pretty sure it wasn't there before-, and Feferi squeezes at your hand.

"Feeling better?" she whispers, trying her best to sneak up a glance at you. You nod, but still avoid to look at her.

"Yeah... thanks."

Once the group reaches ground level, the cheering crowd of consorts and carapaces surrounds you, bringing gifts and excited chatter; you're glad that you're in the middle of the group so you can easily dodge interaction, but it's still an odd feeling to see so clearly the gratitude of this weird, multicoloured population that has clearly centered a good part of their cultures and traditions around your rag tag band of players. Curiously enough, they seem to know exactly what they're doing, as you notice Jane and Feferi get a basket full of inviting food, Rose an ancient, leatherbound book and Aradia what looks like a large nakkodile skull, which makes her pretty happy for some reason.

The sun is close to setting, and a single, silvery moon is rising over the hills, when a small delegation escorts you to what the locals call "the Homes of Time": a circle of buildings that were discovered centuries ago, surrounded by powerful force fields, and apparently moved backwards in time through the years, until this very day, when the force fields dissolved and the whole area synchronized with the present time at the meteor's arrival. Kanaya had already told you they had planned a way to ensure there would be a place suited to your reception ready on your arrival, but you have to say, you're still impressed - especially when you finally reach the Homes of Time and you can see them in all their glory. Eight hives in a circle, looking freshly built, surround a small park crowded with trees and flower bushes, with a huge, lush oak towering in the center, next to a sparkling fountain. You can see the path continues past the circle to the outskirts of what looks like a small city, just a few minutes walk away, but at the moment you're way too focused on the current environment to care: it feels like forever since the last time you've been allowed to enjoy the scents and colours of the natural world, and especially since the last time you've had a place to call home for real.

As you follow the circular path around the park and former players take possession of their new homes, your group starts thinning out. John and Rose, still accompanied by the little salamander kid -who you learn is called either Casey or Viceroy von whatever, and you're not sure you want to know anything more-, leave for the first building, which shares a lawn with the next one, occupied by Dave and Jade, which includes what looks like a large greenhouse. You notice a similar shared arrangement with the following two buildings, respectively claimed by Dirk and Jake, then Jane and Roxy. Tavros, Nepeta and Equius leave for the fifth hive, which features a large workshop area on the ground floor, Vriska and Kanaya for the next one, and you have no doubt over whose ideas the flowery hedges and elegant, colourful awnings were. The seventh hive shows the symbols of Karkat, Terezi and Gamzee on the gate.

"So... it looks like it's our stop," Karkat says, offering Sollux a fist bump. "We're basically next door neighbours, so if you need anything, don't forget you can always drop by and get your ass shouted off, right?"

Sollux meets the fist bump with a smirk.

"What's that? No sweaty bro hugs? I know I am not John, but still..."

"Don't push your luck, dipshit..." Karkat snorts, one of his rare almost-smiles on his lips. You don't miss the way he looks for you and stares you right in the eyes for one long moment, and you gratefully hold the stare. "So, I guess this is goodnight..."

"Goodnight, Kar." You wave as everyone exchanges goodbyes. You also don't miss how oddly quiet and shy Terezi looks, and has been looking for a while, or the dark stares Gamzee sneaks up at her, or the worry under Karkat's furrowed brow, and you wonder if it's just you or this odd trio is really about to shift to ashen. Not that it's any of your business, as usual.

You swallow as they leave, and the little group proceeds towards the eighth hive - your new home. It's a two story building with its own private lawn, like the others, but you can clearly tell Feferi had a hand in it, as you recognize the slim columns and the blueish grey tint that are typical of classic seadweller architecture. On the door, a tall black carapacian lady hands Feferi the keys and a note with some useful phone numbers, then the door closes behind your back, and you're left alone. Alone with Feferi, Sollux and Aradia - because this is your hive nucleus now.

Your face tingles. This is it, where it all ends and starts anew.

The first thing you notice is the thick, bittersweet smell hanging in the air - like wall paint and polished wood. The front door opens into a large recreation block, with a tv, couches, a few bookshelves and a huge, wall-wide aquarium, momentarily empty but with filters already buzzing. A sliding door on the far left opens into the lawn, while on the right you can see the culinary block, and in front of you the stairs leading to the upper floor, where the respite blocks are. You notice another door under the stairs which you figure leads either to a cupboard or a small ablution block (because you already know there is a large one on the upper floor just next to your room, and you really, really hope this hive doesn't have just one load gaper for four people).

While Feferi sets the food basket on a counter in the culinary block, Sollux goes straight to check the phone and router on a small table close to the tv, rummaging around with his palmhusk.

"Ok everybody, wifi works! This is great," he says, and you roll your eyes, but carefully avoid saying anything. Trust Sollux to take care of the most important things.

"Oh my god, guys! Kanaya made it even better than I thought!" Feferi twirls around the recreation block. She just looks so happy that it hurts to watch her. "I can't wait to find some cuties for the aquarium!"

"I can't wait to start exploring! There must be so much to see," Aradia says, studying the skull in her hands.

"We could start right away!" Feferi says, excitedly bouncing on the balls of her feet. "Who wants to go see the town? Maybe we can grab some fried sugar grubs or something to eat!"

"How are you so energetic?" Aradia chuckles. "Maybe tomorrow. The passage felt... weird, I feel so tired. I think I need to get some sleep."

"Sorry FF, I'm going with AA on that one," Sollux says, doing a very poor job at hiding a yawn.

Feferi pouts. Oh my god it should be outright illegal for her to pout, how is she so adorable.

"But it's weird to go to sleep with the dark!" She raises a hand and you notice it's visibly shaking. "You guys have a point though, look at this. I'm probably just overexcited." She cocks her head on a side, looking at you as if only realizing then that everything you've done up until now is awkwardly standing near the door and watching. "You look pretty tired too, Eridan!"

You flush and clear up your throat. Great, now you're feeling self conscious about your own passiveness, just what you needed. You silently thank both Aradia and Sollux for not being particularly interested by your presence, because just being under Feferi's gaze is complicated enough.

"Uh... I am. Yeah I think I'm gonna try and get some sleep too."

"Hmm... ok then!" Feferi shrugs. "But I am counting on you for tomorrow, Aradia, ok?"

"Sure," Aradia says with a smile, and follows Feferi into the culinary block, where you can see them start unpacking the food basket. In the meanwhile, Sollux starts tinkering with the console linked to the tv, entirely ignoring you as he usually does.

You take a big breath. Your fingers tingle, and your blood pusher is pounding hard for no reason. You're alive once more, about to start a new life in your new home, you have been given a second chance by your friends and by one of the most important people in your life, who wanted you as a part of this for some reason - you should feel happy. You know you should. You could try to have a normal conversation with Sollux, you could enter the culinary block and help the girls with the food. You could.

And yet, you cannot move.

 **>** **Eridan** **:** **abscond** **.**

 ****You're walking up the stairs before you know why you're doing it. Your block is the last door on the left, just before the ablution block - you remember the layout from Kanaya's simulations. When you open the door, though, the first thing you notice is not the disposition of furniture -just like you've chosen it: the odd human bed facing the window, the wardrobe, the desk with your books and husktop-, but the vibrant violet colour coming from the window. Enthralled, you reach the window and notice that the sun is setting just now on the nearby lake, painting the surroundings with long shadows and a shimmering violet hue. The water glistens so vividly that you can imagine the lapping of waves. Down on the lawn, you notice a large swimming pool, doubtlessly Feferi's idea, and a soft golden light coming from the ground floor of the hive next door. You catch a glimpse of Karkat pacing up and down while talking, or likely ranting, on the phone.

The soft knocking behind you startles you. You turn around to find Feferi leaning on the door's frame with a shy smile on her face. You swallow: you had entirely forgotten to close the door behind you, and now you're not sure if you regret it or not. You're not sure about a lot of things anymore, to be fair.

"So... you like the view?" she asks. "I figured you'd want to see the water."

You want to smile back at her, but you start fidgeting with your rings instead.

"Yeah, Fef, it's... it's great. Everythin's great, it's just... it's a whole lot to take in, I think."

You realize how weird it feels to be sincere with her, and you despise yourself a little more for it. Her smile does not falter, but you catch the hint of worry in the curl of her eyebrows.

"Yes, it is. It's a day we're not going to forget any soon, for sure," she says. "Do you want to eat something? We're just going to try a few things from the gift basket, nothing fancy."

Your blood pusher gives a little jolt at that, and your meal sack makes a gross gurgling noise that sounds suspiciously like "yes please". Eep. Well, your newly reborn body seems to have clear priorities enough, but your mind and your emotions haven't quite caught up yet. You take a big breath, and remember what Karkat said: start from the little things, face them one at a time. Going downstairs and eating something with your hive nucleus definitely counts like a new challenge. But you can do this.

"Uh... yeah, I'll be down in a minute."

Her grin gets wider, and you catch a new, excited light in her eyes, something like... pride, maybe? Or triumph? You're likely reading way too much in her eyes, as captivated as you are by finally being able to see them.

"Ok then! There's no hurry though, we're still unpacking the stuff. See you in a bit!"

She waves at you and disappears behind the doorway. You can hear her excited steps hurrying down the stairs. You proceed to the door to hit the ablution block, but stop in your tracks as you catch your own reflection in the full length mirror you had asked Kanaya to put next to your desk; you had completely failed to notice it as you entered the room, captured as you were by the odd lighting. In the mirror, a young troll man of over 8 sweeps, tall and broad-shouldered, looks back at you with sunken eyes, tinted a deep shade of violet, behind black rimmed glasses. The same violet cape, the same shirt, the same striped pants and coloured shoes you remember from 2 sweeps ago, adapted to your new height and weight by the same paradox that brought you back to life, look oddly out of place on this new person.

The last time you looked at yourself in a mirror, you had been cut in half.

Sweat freezes on your brow. You sneak a quick glance through the doorway, making sure that no one of your hive mates is around, then slowly half-close the door, taking care not to make any noise. Then you return your gaze to the mirror, and with your blood pusher pounding loud, your fingers trembling, you pull up the rim of your shirt.

That is when you see it, and your breathing catches in your throat, and you distantly realize that some part of you, a part that doesn't quite need rationality, has known all along what you were going to see.

There is a scar running on your abdomen from side to side.

Words form in your mind, words that you're sure you've already heard, but you're not sure when or how or who said them. _It is only up to the wounded to decide what healing means_. You were brought back to life, but the scar of your death remains, because now you realize that you in the first place expected, _needed_  to see it there - because there is no going back, because there is no way to _forget_.

Because the Game is over now, but you still have to live with the consequences: this is what it means to pay in full. There is no starting over, only starting again - one step at a time.

You look away from your own reflection and smooth down your shirt. Breathing deeply, you open the door again with shaking hands. Through the doorway, you stare down the stairs at the blueish light coming from the culinary block, and you hear Sollux's raspy voice saying something you don't quite catch, followed by Feferi's silvery laughter. Your skin covers with goose bumps, and once more, you find yourself facing the hardest question of all.

What will you do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done! I can't almost believe that we're finally done! It's been a long and crazy journey, hasn't it?  
> I have some acknowledgements to make.  
> \- Thanks to [chestnutChaser](http://archiveofourown.org/users/chestnutchaser), without whom this whole AU wouldn't even exist!  
> \- Thanks to [dnitegirl](http://archiveofourown.org/users/dnitegirl) for the awesome illustrations in chapters 2, 3 and 4!  
> \- Thanks to [thesweatyhentai](http://archiveofourown.org/users/thesweatyhentai) and [Aewin](http://archiveofourown.org/users/aewin), whose comments always make my day!  
> \- And thanks to all of you guys for the kudos and the support!
> 
> Fun fact: the "Homes of Time" are my own little dorky homage to Hyperion by Dan Simmons, one of my favourite books that I warmly recommend you to read :)
> 
> Where will this AU go next? I'm not sure yet, but if you're curious, you're welcome to stay! I also have [a fanfic tumblr now](http://gloatingraccoon.tumblr.com) where you can keep an eye on my future endeavours or send questions if you wish :3


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